SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Two weeks ago my friend Bartok directed me to this website with an email asking:

‘What the hell do we think of this? Too good to be true?’

For those of you too lazy to click on the link above, the site belongs to The Bag Addiction.com where you can get Hollywood’s hottest purses for “very affordable prices.” By “very affordable” they mean in the still unaffordable hundreds instead of in the outrageously unaffordable thousands, which for a fashionista cheapskate like me still isn’t saying much. The site’s statement about their merchandise reads as follows:

“All products sold are exact mirrors and not being sold or represented as original. We guarantee that they are 100% exact mirrors and brand new direct from our factory with tags attached, serial numbers (date codes). All handbags come with a dust cover and has their brand embossed.”

Years ago, my thoughts on the topic of knock-off purses were pretty black and white. There was $3,000 dollar Prada tote you bought at Muccia Prada’s exquisitely decorated flagship store in Milan that has brutally hot Italian “merchandise guards” at the entrance, and then there was the $30 dollar Pragda purse you purchased from men from Senegal in back allies out of garbage bags. Yet as the site above proves, there are now different levels of fake within the faux purse world itself. I don’t know if we can even use terms like ‘genuine’ and ‘fake’ anymore when we criticize our fellow female’s merchandise. In short, the knock-off designer world has metamorphosed from the sketchy color black to a more forgiving shade of grey. Fakes themselves now have their own gradations. In order to more fully understand this fascinating and oh-so-relevant topic, I began by compiling a list of the kinds of fakes, from the sleazy to the seemingly chic.

SUPA-SKETCHY: My award for the most unacceptable versions of fake purse are the aforementioned kind you buy off blankets in the street or from illegal immigrants whispering things to you like “gucci-prada-fendi-louis-vuitton-gucci,” at a mile a minute as if it were some life saving chant. Buying such a purse usually involves following the seller into a sparsely populated area where he pulls his wares out of a strategically placed truck or motorino. They usually have some non-knock-off / non-descript bags they’re trying to sell as well. Most likely, they’ll have the typical Coach spoofs, a Gucci or two, a Pragda and a lot of Fendis. Next begins the haggling which for me always went something like this:

Them: Beautiful Gucci for you miss. Forty dolla.
Me: Five.
Them: Thirty-five dolla.
Me: Ten.
Them: Thirty dolla and also this Pragda for you beautiful momma or sista.
Me: Twenty-five and we’re done. Do you have that in a color other than camel-poo brown?

Then they wrap your wares in a clear plastic bag and encourage you to slip your purchase into your backpack so as to not direct suspicion to their area. Be classy and oblige. I’ve gone this fake-purse route many times in my day, usually in Italy. If this is your chosen fake bag route, here are my model behavior tips:

1. Check that all zippers are working. Many times a bag will disintegrate in your hands or not even close properly.
2. Tear out the newspaper stuffing and examine the inside of the bag. If it has a cell phone holder, inner pockets and zippers, or even the designer logo on the inner lining, it’s okay to pay $30 and up. If the inside looks like a baby hamster’s former home, don’t pay more than $10.
3. Stick with dark colors and simple designs. Flashy colors, summery white shades, and well-known bags all attract too much attention and SCREAM fake like a big “G” in the middle of your Prada. Last summer I saw an intolerable amount of girls strutting around with the white monogram multicolor handbag by Louis Vuitton.

Since this bag is infamous for its unavailability and everyone who’s ever passed an US Weekly at a newsstand knows that only Jessica Simpson and Madonna are privileged enough to own one, it makes it highly suspicious when you see preteen girls and frumpy moms carrying such merchandise. At this point, they might as well get a “Douchette” stamp and ink it across their foreheads.
4. Stay away from Prada fakes sold in this context. It’s instantly obvious that they’re not genuine by the oversized triangle logo all the imitators have. If going the cheapo-fake route, Fendi is your best bet. The bags don’t have silver markings the way Prada and Chloe do, and the simple “F” pattern is easy to imitate. I had a large black fake Fendi for years in Milan which I got complemented on everyday – until it broke from overuse seven months later. Granted I was carrying my laptop around in it, and I don’t think merchandise produced in the Congo should be held to such high quality standards. So I’d say my overall experience was positive.

LESS SUPA-SKETCHY: This category is exactly like the first except that the fakes are sold in actual stores with makeshift roofs on them as opposed to stealthily in the street. A great example of such establishments can be found in Chinatown, Manhattan. Wander into some of the barely sturdy Canal street shops and you’ll find fake purse Mecca. Here all the bags are displayed for you in an organized manner, with all your color and texture options as well. You can also make a calm, informed decision because you’re not forced to rush the transaction for fear of the police or your perfectly manicured socialite friend catching you in the act of making the pathetic outdoor purchase. At stores, matching fake wallets are available as well, and you can indulge in more brands like Marc Jacobs, Dolce & Gabbana, and Miu Miu. My model behavior tip – still always ask if they have a particular style/brand/size you’re looking for in the back. I was able to purchase my dream Burberry bag for $25 when a wizened Asian woman actually opened a secret back wall of her store, disappeared and then revealed the exact model I was looking for. Heaven.

?SKETCHY?: This is the category of the aforementioned purse website. Now you’re paying quality money for fakes, $200 and up. The problem is that you can quickly rationalize such purchases by telling yourself you’re getting a Hermes Birkin for $370 instead of $5,900. This is a very dangerous game since those rationalized hundreds can add up fast. Also since this is an online transaction, you really have no idea what you’re getting. At least with the Chinatown option you can take your time fondling as many bags as you like and seeing how fabulous they look on your shoulder in the cracked corner mirror. At The Bag Addiction.com, they claim the bag is being custom made for you, with genuine materials – but who’s to say they’re not pawning off squirrel hide as extra soft leather? When Bartok or I actually utilize this option, we’ll get back to you with more information. Model behavior’s current thoughts: Waaaay too good to be true. And I’m too cheap to pay for shipping.

SADLY GENUINE: This last category refers to purses that are actually not fake, just bought illegally since they were made in the fashion house’s factory after-hours, most likely by starving, underage workers. This is an option only available for purchase in major cities in China or in Hong Kong. After a grand tour of Asia, my mother brought me a stunning white Prada in a plastic bag that she purchased for the American
equivalent of $80. As a former Prada New York headquarters employee, I gave the purse a thorough inspection and deemed it one hundred percent genuine. My Rolex was purchased by my stepfather in Shanghai in a similar fashion. A Rolex repair shop can’t tell it was bought for $250 instead of $2,500 because it was made in a Rolex factory at 2 am in the morning. In short, with this option you never have to fear being called out as a fake-toter by some snobby co-worker. You do however, have a serious conscious to deal with. An expensive trip to the Orient is also required to make the purchase in the first place.

At the end of the day, I console myself with the fact that if most people in New York are half as self-absorbed as I am, they have absolutely no time to ponder the legitimacy of my knock-off Jimmy Choo clutch. Why we as a civilization buy into the overpriced absurdity that is designer goods, well that’s another entry for another day.