SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

That’s right. Today’s the day. It only comes once a year. Fortunately, I’m still at an age where birthdays are an excuse for out of control fun and a lot of naughty behavior, although watching your youth further recede into the distance is never a good feeling. So what’s the plan? Bartok is arriving from DC yet again, totally breaking her bi-annual visit rule (we might die, link here for our previous adventures). Her arrival can be compared to having Santa Claus sled by twice in one season as Bartok was just in New York over the fourth of July. Basically, we’re going to stop being the irresponsible freeloading party crashing alcoholics we always are and instead are going to actually host – that’s right HOST my party at my close friend T’s SoHo loft. Why there? Because it’s significantly larger than my living room which can barely fit an extra five fold-out chairs. Plus Mr. T’s pad has a much better stereo and ambient lighting system. I’m really into ambient lighting and at my apartment the only tools I have to work with are the stove and oven light. That’s just not as fun as professional dimmers.

Group and personalized email and text invitations have been sent out to mine as well as Mr. T’s friends. The confirmed count at this moment is about fifty – but this is New York, this number could quadruple or disintrigrate to twelve at a moments notice depending on how the Manhattan party Gods are feeling. The sky got all the rain out of its system yesterday, so bad weather shouldn’t deter people from coming out. Isn’t this weather intolerable? I think we should stop calling the warm season in Manhattan “summer” and refer to it instead as “the monsoon.” I’m seriously thinking of investing in some yellow rubber duck boots and one of those absurdly large umbrellas that people steal from hotels.

So, I’ve decided the most responsible thing to do as co-hostesses of this party is for Bartok and I and my fabulous Asian roommate to get completely shit-faced the three of us before the first guest arrives at 9 p.m. I mean, how could it possibly be a bad night with us pre-drunken running around and making merry. The guests, cake, and perhaps gifts just become an added bonus. I also plan on a hugging reward system for anyone who brings liquor. I also plan on one of us monopolizing the stereo the entire night (music control being the biggest perk of the house party). That means Euro house trash, my nineties favorites, T’s Brazilian stuff, and inevitably a teeny bit of Kylie Minogue.

My preparation list so far looks something like this:

1. A bottle of vodka too big to carry (preferably something cheap, Svedka or Finlandia would be great. Perk of cheap vodka: it goes down easy!!!)

2. A similarly large bottle of Bacardi (I don’t think the euros in attendance will be able to live with their Cuba Libras.)

3. Mixers: OJ, cranberry, tonic, sprite, coke, anything else more creative that I can find. Pineapple would be swell.

4. The men’s favorites: Jack and Rum.

5. Limes (thanks to Mr. T for reminding me of this one)

6. Ice (yeah, how we’re going to get all of this to T’s house in one cab ride remains a mystery)

7. The cake – this is a coffee and chocolate ice cream cake with health bars in it. Is this gourmet? No. But I really have no issues with having a 5-year old flavor cake. It’s MY birthday and I want ice cream!

8. Beer – I’m not supplying a lot. If you wanna sip on Buds all night that’s your prerogative.

9. Snacks? I always feel grossed out by chips and pretzels and cheese doodles at parties. A lot of germs live in those bowels with an abnormal amount of fingertips passing through. Plus that kind of snack set up always reminds me of really awkward high school dances. So the snacks aren’t happening. Bartok and I have decided to go with something more gourmet like grapes. This whole party is about us pretending to be responsible adults. Hopefully we won’t get too drunk and start doing cartwheels like we did the last time we were left unsupervised at a Manhattan apartment with open space.

Anyone else have any other suggestions? Like a net to catch people when they get too rowdy or a shovel to knock people out? You should all feel free to let me know.