SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

I made it a special point to TiVo Ms. Banks’ ‘Va-jay-jay’ episode of her Oprah-like talk show ‘Tyra,’ figuring it would be such a goldmine of hilarity that I’d have enough material to mock for weeks.

The show didn’t disappoint.

Tyra created this special va-jay-jay episode because she feels women need to have a ‘vagina dialogue.’ According to her, the fact that most women are private about their private parts (shocking, right?) means that we’re ‘in denial.’ In denial about what exactly (the fact that we don’t have a penis?) remained unclear.

Apparently only 11% of Tyra’s audience (an audience of gap-toothed, bootylicious women who I think were paid to sit and endure the show) could properly label a diagram of the female anatomy. There’s a lot technical doctor jargon for those parts, a vocabulary most of us haven’t utilized since Sex Ed in middle school. I don’t think I could properly label an empty map of the USA (the mid-west is a mystery to me). Does that make me ‘in denial?’ I think most women are too busy living their lives to spend daily quality time with our va-jay-jay and a hand mirror. So I think 11% is pretty damn good.

To help us better understand our anatomy, Tyra produced a ‘Vulva Puppet’ that looked like a lumpy beige sofa cushion gone wrong. The doctor demonstrating didn’t make the vulva puppet talk (thank god), because if it had happened to sing happy birthday or something I would’ve laughed until peeing my pants (pee which comes from my urethra, NOT from where I have babies – Tyra clarified this, God bless her).

Next, the show followed a twenty-eight year old woman with gynophobia who’d never been in the stirrups or gotten a pap smear. No one likes the gyno, but it’s just something you suck up and do. In short, we got to see Tyra hold this woman’s hand as she got her first pap smear on national television.

Inspiring? Gross? You pick.

Next, we dealt with women who have fear of inserting tampons. I just don’t get it. Don’t these women realize the va-jay-jay is a hole that’s meant to have stuff stuck up it. The thing’s actually designed to be penetrated.

Tyra’s Four Prong Attack of the menstrual cramp proved disappointing. She came up with:

1. A pain killer
2. Hot bath
3. Heating pad
4. Hot tea

Really? That’s the best a national Tyra-led committee on cramps could come up with? If a hot tub and a tea cup of English Breakfast does the trick for Tyra I think it’s safe to say this diva’s never experienced real coat hanger-like abortion cramps in her life.

Despite the comical nature of Tyra’s show in general, and the wealth of hilarious email questions about ‘heavy flow,’ Tyra did answer some relevant, practical, nether-region questions and discussed cervical cancer while promoting the new HPV vaccine. And that’s commendable.

For me, an actually useful question came from an audience member who asked, ‘What’s the difference between those 1, 3 and 7 day yeast infection packs?’ My roommate and I immediately turned to each other:

“What is the difference?”

The answer is none. It’s just a marketing gimmick by people over at the yeast factory to mind-fuck women shopping at Duane Reade. And that’s good to know.

So you know what, Tyra?

Thank you.