SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Things I’m excited about:

Sun
Swimming
New scenery
Shopping
Dancing
Frighteningly attractive people

Things I’m worried about:

Car jacking
Getting robbed
Going bankrupt
Getting sun burnt
Being kidnapped
Rape

So there you have it. I think the good and bad even each other out (reassuring?). Best case scenario I come back tan, relaxed, with a stunning afterglow from a week of non-stop flirting and enough money in my bank account for a cab ride home. Worst case scenario I find myself snared in barbed wire with a machine gun pointed at my head whimpering forgiveness for the lip glosses I used to steal from Milan’s Zara in my youth (as if that’s my biggest vice).

After not loving Gold Bar my first few encounters, I actually had a positive experience there this weekend. This might have had something to do with the fact it was our last stop of the evening (we arrived at 3:30 AM) and everyone had easily drunk a bottle of vodka a head since we left the house. The ‘gold skull closet’ as I fondly call it was actually FULL (I guess that’s what happens when you go out on Saturday instead of Monday night), the music was FUN (Billy Joel? Yes, please!) and the bathrooms, which I used for the first time, were clean and spacious enough for me to stretch out and change my clothes (don’t ask why I was changing clothes).

As if we weren’t retard enough, my girlfriend ordered me a specialty alcoholic concoction called the Gold Rush. It tasted like a Long Island Iced Tea on crack. When I inquired about its ingredients, I received a slurred response that it was whisky, bourbon, and honey, all made ‘bearable’ by a giant ice cube in the middle. I took two sips and wisely professed to my friend, “This is throw up. This is throw up.” I think what I was trying to express is that the drink was both vomit inducing while also tasting like liquid sour patch kids gone stake. It’s a miracle no one projectile puked that night.

While I’m away on vacation, I’ll actually be relaxing instead of writing. So until next Monday (from which point outrageous Brazilian adventure stories will ensue) this blog is on hiatus. My guest blogger go-to Bartok is currently frolicking in Italy and Spain and unavailable for extortion. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t visit MissModelBheavior.com. Below I’ve outlined a reading itinerary of juicy fun to get you through the week with out me!

Tuesday: Find out why clubbing is addictive…

Wednesday: What to do when he asks for your number…

Thursday: The Don Juan of Milan – everyone needs this sexy springtime story

Friday: Travel to Capri, part 1, 2 and 3

Saturday: Travel to Capri, part 4, 5 and 6

Sunday: Fun with Manhattan cab drivers…

A Brazilian expose upon my return!