“Ok Kim, you can do this…you can do this…” I was prepping myself in the back of my mind. “Just walk in, just walk in like you do this all the time, like it’s no big deal…it’s no big deal…”
“COMMON KIMM..” I heard someone say.
I stared at the front door of the strip club. How I had been talked into this I have no idea. I would never want to do this in a million years. My friends had to forcefully drag me here to ever get me to go…. And by “drag” , some may say is an overstatement, and some people might also say it was was “my idea” to go to a strip club, but those people are filthy liars!
When I walked into the lobby of the club it was like going into one of those really scary Halloween Haunted Houses. The ones you know you want to go one , just to experience it, but at the same time, you have no clue what’s going to happen to you once you enter and you kept telling yourself, you are at the state fair for God’s Sake and the only scary thing inside there is some flashing lights and a pot bellied man named Bingo who runs the haunted trailer. It was like the midnight thrill ride at Spooky Town, except without the Silence of the Lambs facemasks. (Do not even pretend like you haven’t been to Spooky Town)
I walked up to the front desk.
“30 dollars,” the woman behind the counter said.
“30 Dollars! 30 dollars! But I’m a girl!” I screamed. “I’ve seen girl parts before! I have my own! I can see myself naked all the time if I want!”
She just went back to filing her nails, rolling her eyes, “30 dollars” she repeated.
I didn’t pay 30 dollars last week for a button up green blouse at The GAP yet, I’m offering up 30 bucks to see Candy rip off her edible thong and throw it over my face. Perfect.
I took out money from my pocket and placed it on the counter.
After arriving I agreed to please my guy friends and let one of the strippers eat a dollar bill out of my bra. I figured it was like doing charity work and I could probably write it off in next year’s taxes.
As she approached me she was swinging her hips around and had on nothing more than a money garter belt.
“Hi…umm….how are you?” I said. “I like the color of your top…err um, your half-top?”
She looked down at me and smiled.
“Ok, well…see..the thing is..I’ve never been here before..” I started to say.
“What?” she asked, leaning in closer.
“I’VE NEVER BEEN TO A STRIP CLUB” I screamed over the music.
She smiled at me.
“So …ummm…well…when you eat the dollar bill out of umm, my bra…can you umm…can you not touch me with your boobs please?”
“What?” she asked again, leaning in closer to hear me.
“CAN YOU NOT TOUCH ME WITH YOUR BOOBS PLEASE?” I screamed. …“Please just don’t touch me with your boobs… like when you lean over, can you keep your boobs out of the way? ..I just…well umm..I just don’t want you to touch me with anything…dirty.”
She laughed a bit, “Ok”, she said. “I promise I won’t touch you. Just lean forward.”
I moved in closer and she leaned over and ate out the dollar bill right out of my bra. It was all very skillful too, like she had done it before.
Odd.
I smiled, pulling my black button down sweater up a bit.
I could hear my guy friends howling and clapping.
“Thanks..” I said. “That was ..umm..nice.”
She smiled.
She was just standing there, staring at me awkwardly for a moment.
Is this when I was supposed to talk to the stripper? Was I supposed to engage her in some sort of conversation? I don’t know all the stripper rules yet!
So I just started talking.
ME- “So I have been thinking about investing in my own money garter belt…I mean you never know when you are going to need one of those things right?’
She just stared at me.
ME-“I mean, I feel like I could use it for other things too you know, like to hold my Starbucks around my leg in the morning and what not…”
Blank stare.
ME-“You know it’s funny, I never realize how hard it is to talk to women, cause you talk to men and it’s like blah blah blah I have boobs, I win the conversation….know what I’m sayin sista!”
More blank staring.
ME-“I bought this sweater from Old Navy.”
HER-“You work in the Navy?”
ME- “Umm….yeah.”
Stripper walks away.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
omigod, kim, where have you been? I love strip clubs! may we never have to buy drinks again!
May 9th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Whenever I go to “Gentlemen’s Clubs”, I always get flushed and embarrassed for some reason.
Hi, here’s a dollar, put your vag in my face, shake your chest, slap your ass, and then…umm, “hi, so uh, you come here often…orrrrr? Do you get cold up there? “
May 11th, 2008 at 1:08 am
OMG!!!
I have the BEST strip club stories.
Being a gay man, it’s always a real hoot. One of my BFFs LOVES to take me, because I always make ‘friends’ with the strippers.
I’m kinda like his wingman.
Oh. And am I the only one who got a kick out of a ’stripper’ now being considered an ‘MBA’?!
That must look great on a resume.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
How did you get talked into this?
May 12th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
You are a braver woman that I am!
And why am I not the least bit surprised about her side of convo?
May 12th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I LOVE strip clubs. OK, not really. I just say that because at Tens, the head mamma stripper there approached me just to tell me I had beautiful boobs - and coming from her, a stripper and therefore expert in the boob industry, that meant a lot. That was probably the best compliment I got last year. And that’s SAD!
May 12th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
she sounded nice.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
As one who works in the adult industry, try not to judge too harshly. Yes some strippers are brain dead, but some of us actually have *gasp* college educations and can hold an actual conversation. Sorry your experience was so stereotypical
May 13th, 2008 at 5:28 am
wow that was awkward. i’ve never been to a strip club but if I go I hope I don’t start a conversation with them.
May 15th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I have started a convo with many a stripper and i have to say some actualy make you feel more comfortable if you are nervous being there…that or else its cause i put lots of dollar bills in their belt!
May 15th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
omg i wish i had been there with you lady!
August 4th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Personally, I feel that you mistreated that stripper. You were not talking to her, you were making jokes out of her. That’s not respectful, and God doesn’t appreciate you speaking of his children that way. If you can’t say something nice; SAY NOTHING AT ALL!
August 16th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
@kim “CAN YOU NOT TOUCH ME WITH YOUR BOOBS PLEASE?” I screamed. …“Please just don’t touch me with your boobs… like when you lean over, can you keep your boobs out of the way? ..I just…well umm..I just don’t want you to touch me with anything…dirty.”
wtf do you mean by “dirty”?
@LisaBinDaCity “And why am I not the least bit surprised about her side of convo?”
wtf is that suppose to mean? that all strippers are dumb?
Let me tell you naive little girls something. When you grow up poor, and having to take care of yourself, then you do what you have to do. Not all of us grow up with silver spoons in our mouths, getting spoiled from mommy and daddy’s money.
The only reason you look down on strippers is because you dont have the guts to get up there and do what they do. You get mad and sit back with you arms folded because in the back of your mind, you’re insecure because you know the man you went in that club with wants that naked stripper thats shakin her ass all up in his face. HAHA, he spent money to go see a naked chick and dragged your ass along with him, and because you’re dick sprung, you went along with him. He’s paying you no mind because he has naked, BLACK WOMAN ass in his face and he’s LOVING IT. HAHA!!!
1. DONT GO TO A FUCKIN STRIP CLUB IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE THERE
2. YOUR MAN IS A PERVERT. THERE IS BETTER DICK IN THE WORLD. GET OVER IT.
3. YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ANY STRIPPER OUT THERE SO GET OVER YOURSELF BIATCH!
4. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, IF YOU CANT BEAT EM, JOIN EM.
A stripper’s role is to create and fulfill fantasies, dont hate on her because she probably has more money than you.
ps…I own 3 business and a house…what about you?? *wink*