We all know how much I like theorizing about New York City relationships. It provides open-ended, non-stop amusement and I tell myself it’s more productive than wallowing over Nutella or reality TV. Today’s manipulative approach to happily ever-after in Manhattan: The Doctor Evil route. [Imagine the following in the style of a late night infomercial]
What is the Doctor Evil approach to love?
The Doctor Evil approach to relationships is like a horror movie, but with love. Your victim, I mean loved one, quivers as they wake up to realize that there’s no escaping you – that you’ve infiltrated, dominated and conquered every single aspect of their life to the point where the only answer is to forfeit their free will and be with you.
How does one accomplish Doctor Evil domination?
Most likely you’ve been with this person for an absurdly long amount of time but they refuse to fully commit (hence why you’re resorting to desperate Mike-Myers-parody measures). Knowing each other so well, you probably have more friends, contacts and stuff in common than you realize. Leverage this.
1. Become the best friend of all his friends (and their girlfriends). Get their numbers, hang out with them regardless of whether or not he is around, make sure they all love you and want to keep you in the social loop of dinners, vacations and fun. If you’ve been pseudo-dating someone for months, you’ve most likely accomplished this task subconsciously. Instinctually, we try to make nice with our significant other’s friends, desperate to leave a good impression. The Doctor Evil approach is about taking that impulse to the next level, where you, autonomous of him, are a member of his gang.
2. Do the same with his co-workers. Proofread his business plan. Help him with the PowerPoint features he finds incomprehensible. Assist in feminizing his correspondence with his she-devil boss. Again, when you’re gaga over someone you always want to help them anyway. You’ll already be performing these tasks out of love and a desire to useful (and needed). In the Doctor Evil approach, up your efforts a notch so you’re perceived as indispensible, so he’ll have desk-bound moments of “how did I ever survive without her?”
3. Gain access: To his apartment via a key or close alliance with roommates. To his car. To his travel agent. To his schedule. To his secretary. The list goes on and on.
4. Take his stuff: A low-blow, but is a man going to impulsively dump a girl who has his prized collectible Spider-Man limited edition in her possession? I think not.
5. Conquer his establishments. Make sure the waiters, maitre d’ and hostesses at his bars and restaurants love you almost more than they love him.
There are two opposing viewpoints on this madness. The first is that becoming a stalker, infiltrating every dimension of someone else’s life so they have to commit to you, is jail-worthy and wrong. I agree with that. On the other hand, so many people need that push, the extra shove, the choice made for them. This is Manhattan, the city of infinite options. One could lose a lifetime in constant anticipation of the next best thing, the next adrenaline-filled romantic rush. This is acceptable when you’re young and your inability to commit is viewed as ‘not settling.’ Yet that can’t go on forever. And after being exposed to every flavor of ice cream on the planet, how do you ever settle on just one for life? How do you ever plunge and make that choice?
From this perspective, if you’re at an age in which you’re ready for seriousness, getting Doctor Evil-ed is perhaps the best thing that could happen to you. In fact, if someone Doctor Evil-ed me, making an effort to conquer my friends, enjoy my favorite spots, help me in the things I struggle with, I think that ultimately I’d be an insanely happy camper.
Ultimately, it all comes down to timing for both parties. And while manipulation in relationships is abhorrent and wrong, I remain skeptical that any romance has flourished without a healthy dose of game playing. There’s always going to be the chase and conquer.
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