SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Having an unlimited metrocard has been one of the most reassuring aspects of living here. I practically get butterflies every time I swipe the card and see that simple, sweet “GO” coaxing me along. It’s encouraging, yet forceful. It’s hot. I want to date someone that makes me feel the way my unlimited metrocard does.

While contemplating this newfound passion, my mind rapidly spiraled (downward) to thoughts of, dare I drop the bomb, love. Generally, when I think about my love life, I tend to envision it as a romantic comedy. It’s true. I stopped emotionally maturing at the age of 13. I don’t really understand why women are obsessed with the idea of guys being the “immature” gender. I’m just as much of a basket case as I was in seventh grade.

As I speculate about the future of my love life in New York, I envision three films—all huge duds that would go straight to DVD.

1. Celibacy and the City - pretty self-explanatory. I move to New York, hopefully find a job that pays my rent and handles my peanut butter addiction, and then I never meet anyone. There’s one tease where I make eye contact with the cashier at Trader Joe’s as I’m paying for my unsalted all-natural crunchy pb. He says, “Hi, how are you today?” with this really genuine smile, and there’s a moment when you the viewer thinks, this is it! And so do I, until the completely humiliating moment when I answer the paper or plastic question with an “I do.”

2. There’s Something about Harry - My dream man is either:
a. Gay
b. In love with my best friend
c. Gay and in love with my best friend

Why isn’t “the worst of both worlds” also an expression? Situations such as circumstance c. do happen. There’s probably a Jennifer Aniston or Meg Ryan movie that adequately addresses such an instance. Someone find it.

3. Dirty Dancing: Humiliating Nights - In this fast paced, beat-bumping, two-misstepping motion picture, I go to club after club, looking for love. But how can I find the right guy when I have the wrong moves? That’s all that happens. Over and over again. I had the (worst) time of my life. NOT like MB’s salsa experiences.

Clearly, after just a week of living in the city, I already feel a surge of New York cynicism pulsing though my veins. To me, being in New York is kind of like being dehydrated in the middle of the ocean: water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink. Though I’m surrounded by people, the notion of meeting anyone is unfathomable. Thankfully, my unlimited metrocard reminds me that affection can appear in the most unexpected of places, that I shouldn’t think about it so much, and that I should just simply GO.