Imagine you’re dating someone for several weeks. Perhaps you even go as far as consummating your relationship in a conscious, responsible, adult-like manner. The next time they see you, they act like they’re your sibling. Then they disappear for over a month in a real life version of a ‘vanishing act.’ Just when they’re about to fade into a distant memory and you’re feeling on the market again, they randomly reappear, contacting you several times daily in an attempt to pick up right where you left off. When you point out you’re somewhat annoyed / confused, they respond with:
“Why are you so sensitive?”
What would you say?
Would you just go, “Aaaaaah…” jaw-agape, waiting for your brain to stop analyzing how someone could even utter such a stupid (not to mention insensitive) phrase.
Or say,
“Um…I don’t know why I’m so sensitive? It must be my vagina?!?!!?”
Or,
“You just freakin’ left for 5 weeks without so much as a post-it note? If we role-reversed wouldn’t YOU be feeling somewhat SENSITIVE!?!?”
Or,
“How about I kick you in the nuts and ask you the same question?”
How does a person even get away with saying something like this?
Not,
“Sorry for abandoning you. I have issues.”
Or,
“Sorry, I kinda flaked.”
Or even a simple acknowledgement of the situation like,
“I know I’ve been away for a bit but…”
No, no, no, no, no.
Instead, it’s, “Why are you so sensitive?” Why can’t your emotional train just hop back on the track and start chugging again as if it weren’t just derailed in what felt like “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” – the abandonment issues version.
The scenario reminds me of a chapter in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by Dr John Gray in which he equates male intimacy to rubber bands. Excerpt below:
“Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.
Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault, or her fault. It’s just a natural cycle.
Women misinterpret a man’s pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons…. men pull away even when the woman has done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her, and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will stretch himself and then come back all on his own. A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for intimacy again. Automatically, he will be more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn’t feel any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.”
Huh.
Okay.
Does this sound completely CRAZY to anyone else?
I mean, everyone needs a day or two off here and there to relish in the independence of sleeping alone, burping out loud and not brushing their teeth. Women need that all the time. Sometimes for a whole week! But a month? Six weeks? That’s one freakishly long (or slack) rubber band and just sounds like, well, cheating. Because I’m sure the six weeks of ‘autonomous time’ didn’t involve trips to Vegas, hookers, beer, bars or one-night stands. Yeah, I’m sure he was just twiddling his thumbs watching Sports Center alone for 42 days waiting until he’d feel longing for me again.
Would any healthy mental subject believe this?
And if we’re even to accept this whole natural ‘I’m-a-caveman-who-must-voyage-away-from-you’ prehistoric perspective re: men, is it so much to ask that they snap back with flowers instead of phrases like,
“Why are you so sensitive?”
The correct response is perhaps:
“Why are you such a monolith?”
July 30th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Kilroy here, from Las Vegas. By defining this as a male/female problem, I think MMB is missing the point. This isn’t a matter of Mars vs. Venus but more of a fundamental human conflict: merging vs. engulfment. This is something that applied to all sexes equally: male/female, gay/straight, eunuch, celibate, etc. Males and females may have different ways of expressing it, but merging/engulfment is a basic conflict of all of us and is the main reason early romances don’t usually work.
Let me give you the Cliff’s Notes version. We are all the product of two warring forces: the “urge to merge” — that is the desire to join with someone else — and the desire to be an independent and self-sufficient being. When you’re alone and lonely, merging becomes your primary concern, and you tend to hopelessly idealize the other party. But once you start merging with someone real, idealism is quashed by reality, and the opposite inclination kicks in: “Oh my God, I’m drowning!” Hence, the desire to pull away.
It takes a great deal of maturity and self-knowledge to balance the two. It also takes time, in any relationship, to negotiate a balance, no matter how mature the parties may be.
Your opponent in this case may be a dick, but he’s a gender-free dick expressing the same cycle we all go through: “Oh my God, I’m alone!” alternating with, “Oh my God, I’m drowning!” It’s no mystery that most people haven’t yet found a balance.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I don’t buy the rubber band theory. It’s ridiculous. I’ve never heard of such rubbish nor have I ever encountered it. When men are in love and trust a woman they are attached to them.
When a man wants his ego inflated he strings them along, keeps them at a distance from time to time and … bam! the jackasses come back to have his ego inflated.
My thoughts anyways.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:08 am
Well, I’ve had many a rubber band in my life. But I tend to replace the term ‘rubber band’ with ‘dumb ass mother fuckers’.
I cannot abide the lameness of a man who disappears and then crawls back to you like you don’t realise you’re his second best. I play second fiddle to no one - I AM the band!
July 31st, 2008 at 5:42 am
totally unacceptable behavior! And when you talk to him don’t play the victim, just tell him that you don’t like flakes! Good luck sweets!
October 17th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Thanks Kilroy. What you said helped explain a lot for me. That merging/engulfment explanation put a lot of things in perspective.
The comedian Bill Burr does a routine on his DVD where he likens a woman’s nature to the ocean washing away the shore. Over time, she wears a man’s resolve down to almost nothing. Where once he was a fun-loving guy drinking beer and watching football at will, he is now holding hands with his wife while shopping for lawn furniture.
Most guys are terrified of this vision of their relationship future and so they engage in rubber band behavior as their only check in maintaining their identity. As the behavior is horrendously immature though a woman has to ask herself if the guy acting this way is worth keeping. If so, then she’s just gonna have to wait it out as he does one of two things:
1) Leave permanently.
2) Stay and give you the man you think you want.
Personally, I’d make the decision early and stick to it. No matter how awesome a girl is, if she leaves for too long she is no longer welcome. It’s a hard policy, but it’s harder to allow her immaturity to ruin my peace of mind over the long run. I’d recommend the same course of action for women.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
http://www.selfabsorbed.me - now in my rss reader)))
February 1st, 2009 at 5:34 am
Hello, I can’t understand how to add your blog ( http://www.selfabsorbed.me ) in my rss reader