Relationships + Multitasking = Relatasking
A particular girlfriend of mine seriously dates multiple men at a time. No, not casual, ‘let’s catch dinner and a movie here and there over a three month period’ kind of dating, but ‘we’re two steps away from saying I love you’ or ‘we’re committed to each other’ kind of dating. She lives in Europe and things are definitely different over there. Nevertheless, most of us would find her strategies exhausting or deceitful.
I always suspected it had something to do with her being excessively bored or needing a constant ego-boost. I’ve def applied these boredom and ego theories to men who are womanizers. Recently, I had her elaborate a bit on her dating motives and found the method behind her madness surprisingly interesting.
I’m paraphrasing here, but she expressed:
“My theory is that boys select a life partner arbitrarily. It’s based on some randomly enacted switch that makes them suddenly want to marry the lucky girl who happens to be with them at the right place and right time. Soooooooooooo, since there isn’t method to the madness, there is no sense reasoning with it. You might as well make the most of your time, while waiting for this to happen to you. That’s why I multitask (what she prefers to call dating multiple people at once) and wait until your number is up.
Until one of the men in my web wakes up one morning and says ‘I want babies,’ I might as well keep my deck stacked so that it will happen sooner rather than later. There is no need to interview/audition people in a linear fashion. I might as well have multiple relationships going at once: it just brings my odds up.
It would be easy to be complacent, but this is the opposite. It’s so much work. It’s an intensive screening strategy that, hopefully, leads to the best possible option. I mean, I hear the arguments, like ‘well, if you never fully invest yourself with one person, you’ll/they’ll never fully open up.’ My response: Bullshit. Don’t give me that investment crap. There is no such thing as true love. There is no one right person for everyone. And there is absolutely no happy ending planned for you. If you’re not kicking ass to make your own happy ending by pursuing as many options as possible, you’re just not a hard worker. No one else is doing this for you and worse, many people are using you to fill in their momentary fantasy.
So use or be used.
If you’re lucky, it’s a mutually beneficial relationship with emotional rewards for both parties, regardless of the ultimate outcome. That’s what we call healthy. But this crap about someone being really concerned about you, wanting the best for you, and taking care of you – until you’re the age of a grandparent and been married to that person for forty years, it just doesn’t exist.
I’ve reaffirmed / disproved various theories through trial and error. I’m not saying this one’s 100% predictable, I’m just saying spare yourself the epic earth shattering despair of rejection by not putting all your eggs in one basket.”
When I inquired about the ego-boosting, she smiled and replied, “Yeah, well, that’s just a perk.”
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:25 pm
“My theory is that boys select a life partner arbitrarily.”
Respectfully, I must completely disagree with your friend here. I would, in fact, be so bold as to make the argument that maybe she’s forced to date different men because she doesn’t understand men very well.
I say that, of course, in the most friendly way possible.
xoxoxo
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Wow! Love your friend’s approach . . . and that she is truly working the dating scene. However, I also can’t understand how she is able to have such strong feelings for so many people. It’s as if she is waiting on anyone to want to marry her. I am sure this is not the case. . . .
model behavior- I would be curious to hear what your perspective is on her logic behind relatasking? (well, beyond the obvious ego boost)
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:24 am
Those of us who are poly already understand why and how this works. It’s not for everyone, no. But for some people it does work.
October 5th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
She might be right that a boy selects their life partner arbitrarily, in which case you’ll find yourself married to
1) a boy, who
2) happened to pick your name out of a hat.
Victory!
A man who has some self-respect and awareness will smell out the playette and conclude her heart isn’t strong enough to make a real relationship (as opposed to an extended period of time in close proximity) possible.
Then she’ll be stuck with boys who’ll drop the question on the nearest warm female body once mother’s badgering becomes too much to bear. Cross your fingers!
October 7th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
She seems to have hit the nail on the head of the male psyche, according to a recent UK study which revealed how some men can date a woman they care about for years, break up because it's just not "the time" & quickly marry someone else they may not even feel as strongly about. Answer? They were merely ready to settle down at that particular time & chose who was there at the time.
I was shocked by this "fact" (felt kicked in the stomach, quite honestly), but it does explain my love life's history. Your friend's got courage & isn't afraid to admit her findings. Just wish I figured out what she seems to have happened upon in my 20's. That babe's got smarts… Vikka