SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

This is a question I don’t have the expertise to answer, rather a quandary that’s buzzing through my group of friends. I don’t know if it’s the changing weather, the financial crisis, an across-the-board craving for stability, or the fact that we’re all just getting older, but in the past few weeks I’ve heard suggestions from friends ranging from professional matchmakers to Yentas to online dating to assist them in their search for a significant other they can stand. These ideas are always presented with a side dish of humor, since there seems to be some sort of stigma attached to finding the love of your life through a professional service or online.

Why?

I suppose there’s an outlook that people who resort to the net for dates are freaks unable to find someone in real life. From my understanding, society dictates that we’re supposed to find the love of our life:

Through work (weird, because it’s also ordained that getting romantically intimate with someone you work with is a major no-no.)

Through friends (this also never made sense to me, because if one of my friends was lucky enough to find the Holy Grail of a fantastic, relationship-ready guy she wouldn’t be moronic enough to pass him off to me – she’d date him herself. The large pool of men any of your friends dated, touched, eye-flirted with, or kissed is also off-limits.)

In social situations: weddings, bars, clubs, friends parties, birthdays, random city events etc. (here, you’re dealing with complete chance. By the time you make the effort to get to know the person, grounding them in things you can relate to like common friends or similar education levels, you’re so thrilled to have found a non-freak in your social stratosphere that you somehow end up dating them without taking the time to analyze anything else.)

Which leads me to my main point:

In the real world, at least in New York, if we happen to find someone we’re physically attracted to that we can prove isn’t an ax murderer, we pounce. Attractive, smart, “normal,” people are in high demand. Competition is high. Time is of the essence. If you find someone you can stand, snap them up before the Kate Moss look-alike at the end of the bar or your best friend has the common sense to do so herself.

In contrast, on the net, a dating tactic that’s often lost in fast-paced cities comes back into play: the art of being selective. In many ways, online dating is the Internet at its best. It allows you to search for the exact criteria you’re looking for in a person: their height, general personality traits, places they like, their profession, how much they earn, where they’re from, whether they live alone, have pets, like to travel; the list goes on and on. You start looking at dating in a whole new way. You may find someone you’re physically attracted to, but pass them over because you can tell from their profile (which outlines everything from favorite books to long-term goals) that they’re not the best match for you. Suddenly, you’re in the seat of power. You are the one doing the picking: the selector. And the best part is that it forces you to finally think about dating with a set of criteria in mind.

Of course, nothing can compare to meeting someone face-to-face. But wouldn’t you rather meet five guys face-to-face with whom you think you have a real relationship potential than go at it blind, with only your pheromones to guide you? We use technology every day to make our lives easier. From this perspective, it seems insane that anyone wouldn’t use technology to improve their love life.

So why is the art of online dating still stigmatized? Even when it’s been proven to work? Even when I know happily married couples who’ve met this way (many of whom feel forced to lie about it)? I think it has something to do with applying technology to something which is supposed to be natural, spontaneous, and technology free – falling in love. I feel this carefree definition of love only exists in fantasy land, but apparently it’s a fantasy many of us are still fervently holding onto.