I have this problem. Just a small tiny, almost insignificant problem…..I become outrageously self confident when I am drinking…
Talk to a guy in a bar? No problem! …Wear a short skirt? Sign me up! ….Fly a plane? Give me the keys!
So this previous weekend was no different. By the time I am downing my third vodka soda (hold the soda) I was already starting to eye the boys in the room. Not in a ‘Who’s cute?‘ kinda way… But more in a ‘Hey dickheads, who doesn’t want to marry me?!‘ kinda way… I become CONVINCED that every dude in the room is looking right at ME….That dude in the corner?..staring at me… the guy at the bar?..looking right this way…that guy with his arm around that other dude in the tight jeans?…oh he wants me..you want this tight jeans? I bet you do!
In 2006 I had one of my worst Overly-Confident moments when a group of guys did not seem interested in talking with me I literally started screaming in the middle of the bar, “WELL WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO…GO HOME AND BLOW YOURSELVES?!”…I believe that was right before I was escorted out.
And while I was being escorted out I still asked the bouncer who was grabbing me by my fake Fendi, “Well you would marry me wouldn’t you?! I am wearing Mocking Bird perfume DAMNIT and I shaved with a Bic! What the fuck!!?”
Something about a little alcohol turns me into ‘Heidi Klum the Brain Surgeon.’ I am convinced people should be flocking towards me like a hairy armpit at an Ani Difranco concert.
Now if you will excuse me..it is about 15 minutes until noon and I need to go pour myself a glass of wine..and then demand my Greek neighbors to come over and fan me with those fat porcelain dolls they collect…
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Hahahahaah Heidi Klum the Brain Surgeon
November 24th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
This reminds me of all four years I was in college. And a couple of the years after I graduated. Actually, who am I kidding? This is still me, except that now it doesn’t happen often because I’m actively discouraged to drink by the people who love me and know all too well what can happen when I’m all liquored up!
November 26th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Yeh, apparently I get nude because I think EVERYONE is staring at me, by the time I get nude, they are, so off to jail I go…I stopped drinking after getting naked in front of the mother-in-law
December 19th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
hey, that’s my wife!
You’ve been drinking and typing again?!