Spoiler Alert! – If for some reason you DVR’d the first three episodes of Top Chef New York and still haven’t found time to watch them, and have somehow been able to avoid the endless, 24/7, marathon of re-runs on Bravo, you may want to wait til after you’ve savored the deliciousness of America’s bitchiest cooking show before continuing with this post.
So episode one of this season of Top Chef was utterly hilarious, if only because the most confident contestant, Little Miss Army Wife from Whereversville, Virginia, got kicked off before even making it to the Top Chef Kitchen for failing to peel and dice apples quickly enough, and for making a pathetic looking salad with walnuts and bacon on it. The kind of salad I have made with more expertise while drunk. Good riddance to her, I say. And then, to top it all off in a horrible advertisement for the Culinary Institute of America, her former classmate and adorably gay competitor Steven or Patrick or Tim or whatever his name was, got eliminated for making “mirrin lacquered salmon” with nasty-ass looking black noodles. I can’t say they didn’t deserve it, because they were clearly the youngest and most inexperienced “chefs” there, but the loss of these two contestants resulted in…. well, an overwhelmingly ugly cast. While it’s obvious their food sucked and they were kind of retarded, these two represented the most attractive of the bunch, and I can’t help but think eliminating them right off the bat will seriously decrease gay viewership, because we all know they’re just watching for the eye candy, and there’s nothing gays hate more than ugly people who can’t dress themselves. (What’s with the chefs constantly wearing the same white coats day after day? And Crocs? Puh-leese!) Let’s get to know the cast!
Your cuteness won't save you from Tom Colicchio's judging eyes!
Okay okay, maybe I’ve been a bit harsh with “ugly,” let’s be a little more PC and henceforth refer to these contestants as “unattractive” or “beauty deficient.” And perhaps this season, producers discounted applicants’ looks altogether in an effort to, gasp! Focus on the food?! Let’s hope so.
We’ll start with Danny. Look at his facial hair. That is all.
Hulk Hogan couldn't have done it better
Carla. This lady is a kook, and her face shows it. All the time. She seems like a really sweet lady and a competent cook, but I can’t help but imagine a giraffe mating with an ostrich when I’m looking at her.
Zoinks!
Fabio. This guy isn’t necessarily visually offensive, but he’s not all that good-looking either. He escapes my loathing with his Joey Tribbianni-esque Italian charm.
Romance novel cover?
Gene. Not necessarily unattractive, however I am seriously turned off by his tattoos, which scream, “I just got out of prison, and now I’m handling your food.”
Guess what I'm blending. Give up? My cellmate.
Hosea. High school A/V Club President look-alike.
Mmm virgin margaritas! My favorite!
Jeff is the only one who could possibly qualify as genuine man-candy, however his proud narcissism, Baywatch-related good looks, and constant hair flipping put him into a category of men I consider way too conventional to be hot.
Look at how sexy I am! You know you want me.
Jill – this girl was kind of cute, but she was retarded and got the axe in episode two for making an ostrich egg omelet, furthering my theory that for some unknown reason, the producers are intent on eliminating all the attractive competition first. If in my fact my theory holds water, Jamie will probably be out next, despite the fact that she seems to know her shit.
I guess I'll take my herbs elsewhere...
Jamie. I like her! She’s cute, she wears the same shoes I do, she knows how to make a mean corn soup and she’s sort of a badass.
If only I were a lesbian, she'd be just my type.
Hahahaha!...Wait, what?
Melissa looks like she could have a new American Girl doll modeled after her…. Something along the lines of “Appalachian Annie” or “Deliverance Doris.”
I'm gonna call him Carl!
I like Radhika because she looks like Helena Bonham Carter in “Sweeney Todd,” and also her smile reminds me of the Cheshire Cat. Unfortunately, she’s often got this expression of sheer terror or deer in the headlights, which isn’t exactly attractive, but is definitely amusing.
Whiffle ball yayyy!
Richard is totally average and ho-hum looking, which is probably why he feels the need to broadcast his gayness and constantly refer to himself as a Queen. Maybe if he jazzed up his outfit and did something with that facial hair, he could alert people to his sexual orientation visually rather than aurally. That’s the first rule of storytelling Richard, show your audience, don’t tell them. It’s called subtlety, duh! And it’s probably why you got the boot last night (because lord knows, the Foo Fighters are the last people on earth qualified to judge food).
Buh-bye!
Stefan looks like a Swedish version of Joe the Plumber who is constantly sunburned. ‘Nuff said.
.... Yikes.
Alex. Booooooring.
I'm even putting myself to sleep.
As the mother of the group, Ariane is sort of a MILF, in a former-prom-queen-of-a-Long-Island-public-high-school kind of way. While she seems to consistently bomb all the challenges and make excuses, she’s cute, and she’s got moxie. I like it.
Ya got spunk, kid.
If any Top Chef contestants are reading this, which wouldn’t be that outrageous considering that castmembers from Bravo’s Make Me a Supermodel read my previous blog, don’t get offended. We can’t taste or smell your food through our Teevees, so what else do we have to base our judgements on than your appearance? My hard-hitting reviews of your looks are merely in fun, and always remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Besides, who wouldn’t love to bone a good cook?
- P.S.- All photos from bravotv.com, duh.
December 7th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
I really like Radhika, Jamie, Gene, and Danny.
I don’t like the Europeans.
I think Padma is very harsh this season (and frankly everyone).