SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Most magazines for women are completely retarded and filled with inane articles about how to please your man in bed and be “just bitchy enough,” and advice like you should always wax your bikini line, eat vegetables instead of cheeseburgers, and never wear granny panties. You know, great practical advice for real world women who are just discovering their vaginas for the first time at age 30.

But really the best thing about Cosmo or Glamour or even Seventeen magazine is the feature where supposedly real women submit supposedly real and heinously embarrassing stories about farting in the elevator or walking in on their parents having sex.

After flipping through about a hundred pages of pictures of model skinny women, this is the only part of these magazines that actually make you feel good about yourself and not compelled to vomit up those last three slices of Elio’s frozen pizza, and thank God because after that last article on Adriana Lima (why the fuck would I want to read about her?! I’m not a dude and I could care less about what hot skinny women THINK) it was looking like shaky ground. 

Your Vagina: A User's Guide

So here I present you with some of my very own embarrassing stories, some of them really happened and caused me to contemplate throwing myself under a bus, and I’ll probably make up a few just to spice things up. We can’t all be having our period on our date’s lap while wearing white capris. See if you can guess which ones are real, and get ready to feel great about yourself.

- My boyfriend and I went to my family home in Maryland for Thanksgiving, and shared the full-size bed in my room just like we always do. And, we had sex in it, just like we always do. Afterward, he wrapped the condom and it’s wrapper in a ton of Kleenex, and then even stuffed it inside an empty Kleenex box, and tossed it in the trash can. (I think you probably know where this is going.) Now my parents aren’t snoops and they could probably care less about my sex life, but unfortunately, they have two wily Bichons who feel differently. Actually, they just love bodily fluids (the dogs, not my parents). So I was not especially surprised, but still suicidally mortified, when the next afternoon my mother informed me she had found what appeared to be a used condom on the floor in the middle of her bedroom.

- My boss at the slaughterhouse caught me having sex with the deliveryman in the walk-in meat locker.

- So how did your mom find out you were having sex as a teen? Well mine found out after my (now ex) boyfriend’s 11 year old sister found his stash of condoms under his bed at like 6am one morning, and then told his mother, who then immediately called my mother. What a great way to start the day! She got news that her underage daughter was secretly doing it, and I got the promise of a horrifying sex talk steeped in parental disappointment upon returning home from school. So I went off to school with a steaming load of the shit that had been scared out of me in my pants, and my boyfriend stayed home “sick,” probably vomiting with fear and horror, when I needed him most to hold me and tell me that our mothers would not join forces and, well, kill us. Hooray!

- My entire extended family is on Facebook.

- I found a bottle of AstroGlide lube, THAT WASN’T MINE, under my bed in my parent’s house. This isn’t that embarrassing, for me anyway, but it was horrifyingly disgusting, because that lube could only belong to someone in my family. And what was it doing in my bedroom?!! Eeewwww…

- In 7th grade, some ghetto cunt stole my jeans from my gym locker and I had to spend the rest of the day, in winter, walking around school in my ugly blue mesh gym shorts. And those jeans had embroidery on them, damn!

- In high school, I went into an old back office in our school’s auditorium to change into some old clothes to paint scenery for tech theater (yes I was in tech theater, so sue me!) I pulled the door shut tightly behind me, but when I was done changing, couldn’t get it open. I had no cell phone and was in a place no one knew about. The door was so stuck I even resorted to that cartoony thing where you put one foot on the door frame to give it a really hard pull, but still no luck. While I sat there pondering my mortality and what a depressingly crappy death it would be to expire in the back of the school auditorium, I heard my theater teacher walk by in the outer hallway, which was connected to this office by what used to be a window but was now covered in plywood. I started banging on the plywood til he heard me, then explained how I was trapped. He came to free me, but was with the theater bitch/gossip. She couldn’t wait to tell the rest of the class how I had nearly killed myself by getting stuck in that room. I couldn’t wait to tell the class that she was a huge whore.

- I’m the one who shot JFK. Talk about embarrassing!

So I think that should about do it for horrifying tales of my existence. After reading over that post, I’m not sure if you should be laughing, crying, or praying for me, but either way I hope you enjoyed it as much as a hot Cosmo magazine on a cold winter morn. I’m sure there are more stories of mortifying things that have happened to me, but no doubt I’ve repressed them into a tiny black ball of licorice, deep in the center of my brain, that will one day cause an embollism or stroke.

Or maybe I’ll remember them at some opportune time, like my wedding, or a loved one’s funeral. Anyway, til then, I encourage all readers to submit their most embarrassing stories in the comments section. Let’s get to know you guys!

[Baldwins photo from HBO.com]