SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

One thing you may not know about me is that I’m the self-proclaimed Queen of Drunk Dialing. Not something to really brag about, but I do anyway. Over the years, I’ve placed a many drunk dials. All irrational, all sources of embarrassment the next morning. Let’s take a look at some of them, shall we?

Situation 1: One night about three years ago when I was at a bar in Murray Hill, I ran into my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend in the bathroom. It was totally random too. I heard her talking to her friend about her boyfriend named Alex and the fact that he was a cop and even though that description could fit thousands of people, I thought she was describing my ex. And, because life likes to play cruel jokes on me, it was him.

Had I been sober, I could have viewed the situation as a golden opportunity and done some serious damage but instead I gave her the quick update - we dated for a few months and one day he stopped calling me and I never, EVER, heard from the sh*thead again - and told her to tell him how fabulous I looked. I then walked outside the bar and called that ex and left him a voicemail message with a brief rundown of the evening’s events and how his girlfriend (who was actually very sweet) is really BUSTED (looking). He changed his number soon thereafter.

Situation 2: After I left the above voicemail message for my ex, I called the current guy  (Guy No. 3) I was dating who was supposed to meet me out, but was LATE and he told me he still hadn’t left yet. Big mistake. I was drunk outta my mind and emotional. I yelled and yelled, but he still picked my a** up shortly after and took me back to my apt to get some food in my system and drop me off in bed, which is where he left me before going home. I think it was right after that incident that things started to go downhill in our brief relationship.

Situation 3: I was (surprise surprise) drunk at a bar one night and called my “ex” (of officially 2 days) / hook-up buddy, to pick me up to take me home so I didn’t have to take the subway or pay for a cab. He was in Queens and I was in Manhattan. For some reason he came, but I was already gone. I think I decided to take a cab after all and forgot to call and tell him. I’m so mean.

Situation 4: One night when I was drunk at my friend’s place, I heard one of my favorite Phil Collins songs, “Against All Odds,” which, because I’m overly dramatic, reminds me of my ex (and I use that word loosely because we dated for about 3 months freshman year of college and I continued to try and convince him for the rest of our college career that we were meant to be and we continued to “see” each other occasionally for about 2 years after we graduated and never ended up back together), and I, yup, you guessed it, called him. I told him the song was on and it made me think of him. He laughed and hung up. It’s no wonder he refers to me as “crazy.”

That’s all I can think of for now. I’m sure there will be another installment when I recall other drunk dials later on. Well, actually, my mind isn’t as sharp as I like to think it once was and I have trouble remembering last week, so I actually may not think of any more drunk dials. If you know me and can remember any, please feel free to share. And please share your best drunk dial story . . .