SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

So every year around this time we get the lists chronicling the “Best” and “Worst” of 2008. That’s all well and good, but is it really covering new ground? Yeah yeah, Sarah Palin’s preggo daughter is among the worst and the video for “Single Ladies” is among the best. Tell me something I don’t know. I’ve decided this year, instead of making superlative statements and hardcore judgements, I would simply list, in no particular order, the things that were “so-so.” They weren’t great, they weren’t horrible, but I certainly didn’t need them.

10. Nick Cannon is married to Mariah Carey. I felt like I should’ve been shocked to learn this, but her previous behavior and displays of insanity only made me surprised that she didn’t end up married to Mickey Rourke or the Cookie Monster or something.

9. The Twilight phenomenon. I’m not 14 so I didn’t really care about this. Besides, we all know damn well that Interview with a Vampire is the definitive source for hot vampire action, starring an ageless Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise before he was batshit crazy.

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8. Anything involving Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie. My God this is the oldest news EVER. Jen hates Angie! Angie is pregnant with her 68th child! Brad is covered in spit-up and weeping in the corner! Who CARES. I’m about as interested in stories involving these two as I am in seeing the original Parent Trap, starring Jodie Foster. That is to say, NOT AT ALL interested. Especially when you consider that Jodie Foster wasn’t even in that movie.

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7. The Jonas Brothers. I’ve never heard their music, and I don’t care to, but I wish they would stay the hell out of Times Square. I’m trying to get to work, dammit!

6. Beijing Olympics. China? C’mon, everyone knows China is old news. Thailand is the new China. I mean, there’s this great Thai place over on Eighth Avenue called Room Service, you don’t even need Chinese food anymore. And, you know that girl singing the anthem was lip-syncing? That’s cheap, China. When people lip-sync over here they’re at least required to be scantily-clad, over 18, and dancing like no one is watching.

5. The new Bond film, Quantum of Solace. I’ll admit two things here: 1) I’m not really into the Bond franchise, 2) Daniel Craig has a face like a melting model in a wax museum, and 3) Despite point #2, Craig makes a smokin’ hot Bond that I could watch for hours, as long as no attempts at plot are made. Okay, that’s three points, but the real point is that this movie was pretty blah. I mean where were the guys with robotic hands? The last minute defibrillations? The flowery puns? Don’t forget where you came from, Bond.

4. Parks in lower Manhattan still under renovation. Hey parks department, get your shit together!

3. Global warming. Hey ozone layer, get your shit together!

2. Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian. Or pretending to be? Or a major coke addict? I don’t know, I can’t keep up with her shenanigans anymore. The one thing I do know is that she majorly screwed her career by not starring in Mean Girls 2, written and directed by me.

1. TRL goes off the air forever. That show stopped being cool at 11:59pm on December 31st, 1999. Why it held on all the way until 2008 is a mystery, because I’m pretty sure the content went from being 75% music videos, 15% Carson Daly, and 10% commercials, to 80% shameless plugs by crappy artists (I’m looking at you, Diddy) and 20% commercials for a fragrance by Britney Spears. What happened to the music? The love? The appearances of Nsync wearing santa hats? I found myself laughing internally when I was on my lunch break the other day and heard some idiot teenagers going, “Oh my god, that’s where TRL is! That’s so cool! I want to go on TRL!” Morons! It’s off the air! Jeez, what’re you from the Midwest or something? Go back to Canada.

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So there it is, a bunch of mediocre crap that happened this year as told by a crochety, curmudgeonly 22-year old. Let’s hope that 2009 will be full of high-profile celebrity/media trainwrecks and memorable zany news stories, because what’s a blog without zany news?