SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

When did the restaurant business decide to give me the option of clean water? Now in every restaurant across the 11 continents of the world, clean water is available everywhere…You can now order bottled, purified water to drink. I don’t want to drink clean water, in fact I don’t even want the option of clean water. Where is the tap water? That’s what I want. I want the tap water. I’ll take some water from an outside puddle. Or even a collection of water growing in a nearby mud pond.

The waitress always looks so smug when she asks you, “Would you like BOTTLED water..?” And I normally reply, “No, actually I would like the outside rain water if you can go collect some for me. Is that the water that is free? I like free water. It tastes so much better. So if the only free water you have is from the toilet, then rowdy it on up and bring it out here! Mmm toilet water, is it free? If it’s free it tastes good to me…”

I asked Hose Jose who works at a Mexican restaurant down the street what the deal is with serving bottled water, he replied, “Me no speako enlisho.” Which just goes to show you the water conspiracy is so elaborate not even Mexican bus boys will give you a straight answer.

Why did they start serving bottled water? Were people complaining about the tap water? We used to be apes scratching into piles of dirt to eat bugs and hunting down dinosaurs, or at least that’s what my grandma tells me. Either way we consumed prehistoric bird poop covered in mucus and called that bottled water. Ok, well maybe we didn’t call it bottled water, maybe we didn’t have words back then, maybe we just made a load moan that sounded somewhat like the word water, but either way, we were fine now right? We survived. And look at us now. Asking for bottled water in a restaurant! Who do we think we are?! Brad Pitt?! No, Brad Pitt we are not, and I bet you even Brad Pitt drinks the occasional tap water in a restaurant, I mean his tap water is probably laced in gold and came from diamond cooler in the back of a Ferrari, but hey, that’s just Brad.

So the next time the waiter asks, “Bottled water or tap water?” ask for the dirty free water please…because if there is one thing you have an appendix, for it is to clean out the water in your system for you.