So I bought this book last week, ‘How to Find Love (a husband) in 90 Days’.
And no, I was not embarrassed to be buying it. In fact I stood on the train and read it… cover facing forward.
And it begins something like this:
Do you go to work, go to the gym, come home and make dinner…and yet you have NO man?
Do you wake up, work out, go out to drinks with friends….and yet you still can’t find LOVE?
Do you have a job, go running, buy new clothes, eat out at restaurants…and you have NO relationship?
So as I am reading this, in my head I am going, “Yes..yes..yes..how does she know me SO well! I DID go to the gym yesterday! And I DID wake up and go to work! She is like a friggin magician or something!”
I am starting to think this is how she is going to reel me in…. what else am I supposed to be doing with my life? Is there some kind of underground Singles Meetings I need to be attending for my single-disorder…sort of like going to AA.. except a lot more steps?
Being single is like having cancer…everyone feels bad for you and at holiday parties people feel the need to ask about your condition.
Even my dad calls me up the other day and asks if I am married yet.
“No Dad, I am not, why are you asking?”
“Because, I just want you to be happy.”
“I AM happy Dad, in fact I am very happy”
“Hmm..Ok, I am handing the phone to your mother…”
Sweet Jesus Lord in Heaven, why won’t these people leave me alone? This isn’t 1922 and I am not going to just settle down with Joe McHighwaistedPants, have 5 babies (2 of which are dyslexic) and learn how to boil noodles, or whatever the fuck it is you do with noodles.
I would like everyone to get off my back and let me be single with a drinking problem. That is what I call “happiness”….
And as for my 90 days…well let’s see how long the prison sentence lasts…
January 8th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Oh my God that’s F-ing hilarious. I love the part about dyslexic children, ha!
January 8th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
noodles - haha
January 8th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Next time you’re buying relationship self-help books (for blog research purposes only, naturally) I suggest reading “The Rules”… it’s very very useful. Basically the stuff Grandma told you and was right about, in a written reminder form.
http://www.amazon.com/Rules-Time-Tested-Secrets-Capturing-Heart/dp/0446602744
January 8th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
HAHAHAHA! Joe McHighwasted Pants. Love it!
January 8th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Also, where did you find the slutty bride in the pic?
January 8th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Sub- I Google Imaged- “really bad marriages”
January 9th, 2009 at 11:52 am
OMG! please tell me how the rest of this books is, as for me… I am off to the gym
ha!
January 11th, 2009 at 3:15 am
I’m laughing because I can picture you bent over that book on the subway intenly waiting for an answer…so wait, what are we doing wrong? I was saying yes, yes, yes with you hoping for an answer damnit!!
wait, let me go get a pen…ok, I’m listening.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
i realised i’d hit the bottom of the ‘will she ever get married?(again)” was when my mom said to me in her dulcet southern tones:
“well, i don’t see why you CAN’T find a man! even zoe found a man!”
zoe is my sister in law’s sister… who has been a lesbian as long as i’ve known her, and two years ago met a guy and got married. *sigh*