SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

I think I’m going to start a regular feature called, yes, you guessed it, “If I Were an Advice Columnist.” I’ve always (for the past 5 minutes) wondered what it would be like to be an advice columnist and have that much power over pathetic people’s lives. Imagine the fun you could have! I also think I’d be a really good advice columnist becuase I have great advice to give.

This feature will appear irregularly, probably when I’m to lazy to think of anything original. I’ll also always have SJP up there as my advice columnist spokesperson. Any thoughts on why she looks so stricken in this picture? Was Matthew Broderick beating her again? I loooooved him in “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off,” didn’t you?? But I digress. Anyway, here is column No. 1. . . .

Dear, Subway Gal.

I’m an overweight, out of shape, 45-year old spinster with wild hair and bad makeup who wears tight, low-cut spandex to the gym. The problem is that I just can’t seem to get a date, and I don’t know why. Sometimes, when I can get a guy drunk enough to come home with me, he runs out the next morning without saying goodbye and I never hear from him again. I just don’t understand why this keeps happening. Is it because I live alone with 10 cats?  Or because I haven’t brushed my hair in a month? Perhaps it’s because I try to squeeze myself into clothes that aren’t age appropriate? Or maybe he didn’t enjoy it when my 10 cats slept in the bed with us? What? WHAT IS IT THEN??? Can you help me, Subway Gal?

Sincerely,

Angela P., Wisconsin

Dear, Hott Mess.

The short answer is no, I cannot help you. But I will make one feeble attempt to do so. First off, put down the pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. Throw it out. Next, walk to your bedroom. Open your closet door, grab all your clothes, and throw them out. Now you’ll want to lookup a good personal shopper and setup some serious quality time with him or her. Next, you should visit the best salon in town and setup an emergency appointment for a makeover. Cut and color your hair, and learn all about the difference between daytime and nighttime makeup, and how best to apply it without looking like you passed out after dinner at Grandma’s on Christmas Day and your 4-year-old niece thought it would be funny to play with her mommy’s makeup case and make you “pretty like a clown.”

If you make these changes I think you’ll have better luck attracting men, and a higher-caliber of men at that. Now, from what I’m understanding to be a really annoying and kind of scary personality you have, I think your best bet is to speak as little as possible when you meet a man you like. In fact, try not to speak at all. I know it may seem strange at first, but I can almost guarantee that it will make the guy stick around past that first night together.

Good luck.

- SG