SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

I’ve been stricken ill with the cold. It hit me late Saturday night and came out in full force Sunday when I was visiting family on Long Island. The next morning I woke up, loaded up on a mixture of Sudafed, Benadryl and way too much Afrin nose spray, and headed off to work. I trudged through most of the day, but left a couple of hours early. That night I OD’d on Nyquil and snored my way through a restful night’s rest. I woke up this morning feeling ok and decided to go into work. I even showered and did my hair. I started to put on makeup and, in between mucous-filled coughs and blowing my nose, was debating whether or not to go back to bed when Boyfriend emerged from the room sleepy eyed and made the decision for me. “There is no way you’re going in today. You sound like shit.” I had been thinking the same thing and was relieved to have confirmation of these thoughts.

So, even though the thought of missing a day of work makes me really anxious, I called and left the appropriate voicemail messages and e-mails for my co-workers and went back to bed. I’ve been keeping myself pretty heavily medicated, but I still feel like crap. I haaate being sick. But through my experience, I’ve been able to put together what I think is a pretty helpful list for my friends, family and foes, of rules for dealing with me when I am sick. I call it, 5 Simple Rules for Dealing With Subway Gal When She is Sick. Follow these rules and we should get along just fine.

1. Don’t, under any circumstances, except life or death or work, call me. I prefer to communicate via text when I’m healthy and that goes double for when I’m sick. If you want to find out how I’m feeling and express your sympathy, please do so via text message and don’t bother me by trying to call me when the thought of having to focus for more than a minute makes me sleepy and confused. This goes for you too, Grandma. I know you’re concerned about my health and I totally appreciate that, but what I don’t appreciate is the 8:30 a.m. check-in phone call. There are only two places that I could be at 8:30 a.m. on a weekday morning, and that is either en route to work, or home in my bed sleeping because I’m sick.
2. Cater to my every whim. If I have a craving for cake, I will expect you to go to the store and get me some cake. And if I need more medicine, you should be halfway out the door before I can even ask. When I’m cold, you will rummage through the closet to find me a blanket. Dry throat in need of water at 4 a.m.? You’re dragging yourself out of bed to pour me a nice, tall glass of ice water. I understand this may all seem a bit demanding, but you know you feel exactly the same way when you’re sick. And of course the time will come when you’re sick and expecting me to cater to your every whim too. And I will be out of town during that time.
3. Don’t expect me to do anything. Not a single thing. And if I do happen to do something, treat it like its a big deal, because it is. I’m home sick, so I am therefore not expected to do much more than sleep, try to eat, and drink. I might even go so far as to say that mustering the energy to go to the bathroom and bathe myself would be listed as accomplishments. Yes, you may have trekked to the three stores in the snow to find me low-fat Ben & Jerry’s, but not only did I manage to get out of bed today, but I also made the bed. You’re welcome.
4. Don’t be mean to me. I’m sick. Show some compassion for chrissakes!! Whether I spilled a cup of soda on the white rug, or accidentally deleted from the computer the proposal for work that you just spent the past three hours drafting, you shouldn’t get mad at me. And you definitely shouldn’t yell at me. I’m sick and drugged up on cold medication and therefore cannot be held accountable for my actions. .
5. Don’t piss me off. You think I’m irritable, crazy and irrational when I’m not sick, imagine what I’m like when I am sick. I’ll tell you - not happy and easily set off. In fact, it’s probably best if you limit contact with me as much as possible when I’m sick.