SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Since my first column worked out so well (well, in my mind at least), I thought I’d continue to help people and try it again. Here’s the latest call for help I received . . .

Dear, Subway Gal.

I have a problem. I’m a 16 year-old girl who pretty much has it all. I mean, I have a show on Disney, I pretend I can sing, and I wear inappropriate slutty clothes that make me look H-O-T-T. Pre-teens love me! I’m like, their role model. My dad is kinda-famous too and we are super close! We spend allllllll our time together. I mean, he like even comes out on dates with me and my 22 year-old boyfriend. But the media keeps hounding me and I don’t know why! Especially Perez Hilton. He hates me. But I really don’t understand it. Doesn’t everyone love me? I dated a Jonas brother for chrissake! I flash peace signs at the camera, I smile way too big. People want to BE me. So, I like, really don’t understand why the media is so against me. Can you help me, Subway Gal?

xoxo,

Riley Byrus

Dear, “Riley.”

Poor, dear, sweet, stupid, child. I’m here for you and I want to help you. For starters, don’t sign your letters, “xoxo.” It’s obnoxious and if I make speak so candidly, so are you. This is why the media is against you. But there are some things you can do to clean-up your image a bit and it may stop the press from hounding you so much.

For starters, you must repeat after me, “I am a 16 year-old Disney star, not Aubrey ‘Skanky’ O’Day of Danity Kane, and it is not ok for me to talk trash and dress and act like a whore.”

Also, you’ve got to stop posing naked for magazines or just for fun. I know it makes you feel “sexy” and “grown up” but it’s really just creepy. You’re a celebrity and this stuff gets around and no matter how harmless you think the pictures are, people will instantly judge you. And judge you harshly.

Next up, is the boy. I’m allllllll for dating older men, but doesn’t it bother you that it doesn’t bother your 22 year-old boyfriend that you can’t legally go out and drink with him? And don’t you worry that he goes out drinking without you and hooks up with other girls who are over the age of 21? And doesn’t it seem just a tad suspicious to you that a 22 year-old boy is dating a 16 year-old girl? Doesn’t something about that just scream, CREEPY!? And if not creepy, then don’t you feel as if you’re being used? I mean, unless this guy is a pedophile, why can’t he score a girl his own age? I hear he’s trying to be a musician or actor or something, so my instinct tells me that he may just be using you. My suggestion, dump him and try to get back together with a Jonas brother who is good and wholesome. This will greatly improve your reputation. If you don’t believe me, just look at what happened to Britney after she broke up with the lovable JT. Her life quickly ended up in the crapper and now she’s trying to make a comeback and is saddled with two kids by a guy she admittedly never loved. So sad. I’d hate to see the same thing happen to yet another Disney star.

And finally, let’s talk about your creepy (this is a word I seem to be using a lot - are we seeing a pattern??) relationship with your dad. You need to ask yourself WHY he is always hanging out with you and why you are allowing him to do so. I’m going to hope and pray that you don’t have some sort of sick incest thing going on, and assume that the reason for his always being around is due to your publicity and the fact that he has none. He needs you, Miley Riley. But he’s a hanger-on. Drop him.

I know this is a lot to take in all at once, and I hope I didn’t make you cry too much, but these are the harsh realities you need to come to terms with and deal with if you are serious about turning your life around and becoming a media-friendly celebrity. If not, you’ll end up like one of the Pussycat Dolls, who all look like middle-aged women in too-much makeup trying desperately to cling to their youth by parading around naked, and no one wants that.

Best of luck. I’m rooting for you, Miley, I mean, Riley!
- SG