SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Like many people, I am about to become unemployed. Unlike many people, I know that I’m about to be out of a job, because my freelancing gig at an unnamed evil media conglomerate, whose name rhymes with “Biacom,” is about to expire.

My impending joblessness is both a blessing and a curse: no job means no money, and with my recent trip to Europe, that spells me being broke as a joke; and yet, no job also means more free time to laze around and pursue more “creative” endeavors (i.e., taking pictures of myself Myspace-style, then photoshopping them to make me look attractive.)

Obviously, being a bum is only appealing for a short period of time, or, approximately however long it takes for me to consider sweatpants an appropriate item of clothing in which to leave the house, or to run out of old Seinfeld episodes to watch on DVD. Whichever comes first.

The thought of beginning yet another job search is about as thrilling as shopping for health insurance; another thing on my “to-do” list that’s fallen behind tasks such as “bake homemade bread,” “revise revenge list,” “make homemade bread into homemade bread pudding,” and “brush dog’s teeth.” Clearly, I have things to do of a higher priority.

And honestly, why should I be trying so hard to fit the mold of a job someone else came up with? It’s not that I don’t want to work, it’s just that I don’t want to have to try. Trying is hard.

And since I don’t want to be a slave to the man, perhaps self-employment really is the best way to go. Instead of going out of my way to fill a job someone else has come up with the specifications for, I’m just going to use my extensive list of skills and qualifications to advertise myself for hire on Craig’s List.

FOR HIRE: Personal Entertainer

Do you like blogs? Do you like them so much, you wish you could walk around with a constantly fresh and witty commentary soundtrack akin to today’s relentless narration of inane life events on the web, personalized just for you? Well you’re in luck, friend!

I am now offering my exceptional services as a “personal life commentator” for hire, for a mere $40/hour. I will follow you around, go everywhere with you, and make sarcastic and snarky comments about anything and everything. For instance, “Look at how small these baby shoes are! Babies don’t need shoes, they can’t even walk!” (while wearing baby shoes on fingers as if they were feet.) Lines like that are market value at $55 an hour, but I’m not doing this for the money. I’m doing it for the love of verbal observation.

Here’s another free sample, “F train? What does the F stand for? ‘Fucking slow’? Am I right?! C’mon!” Just when you thought your day-to-day life was getting banal and boring, you could hear something like that in your ear. Oh the knee-slappers we could have together. Sarcasm is 100% gaurunteed; puns, cursing, and Garfield references are optional for no additional charge.

FOR HIRE: Food Tester

Not sure if your ice cream is freezer burned? And god, how long has that salami been in here? Is that a potato or a hedgehog? Are you too squeamish to manage the contents of your own refridgerator, for fear of contracting some kind of food-borne illness or parasite?

Let me do the testing for you! I will determine whether the food in your kitchen is edible or not, and get rid of jank products in biohazard grade disposal bags. Food that’s still good will be arranged according to location on the food pyramid, then by freshness. At $150 per fridge, and $25 per additional cabinet, you can’t afford not to have a “professional” rifling through your kitchen.

My services are especially recommended for roommate situations. I can also compose passive-aggressive notes regarding the heinous condition of your fridge for a mere $5 extra per note. 

You’ll never have to fear furry mystery objects again, or think twice about the answer to the question, “Are you gonna eat that?”

FOR HIRE: American Apparel Model

I’m a female willing to wear monochromatic items of clothing and thigh-high tube socks. Hire me.

FOR HIRE: Craig’s List ad writer

Are you too fucking busy to be bothered advertising your stuff, whether it be a job for hire or a rusty old futon frame, on Craig’s List? Have you not discovered that the best way to hook a reader is to start your ad with silly stupid questions, even if they’re unrelated to what you’re advertising? What did you eat for breakfast this morning? …Fear not! For only $50 per ad, I will deftly compose as many paragraphs as it takes to get people interested in your shit.

I can cover a gamut of topics, from bikes for sale and CD swap meets, to that “erotic maid” you’re looking to hire or even your missed connection with the red-haired woman you leered at on the subway all the way from Chambers Street to the Museum of Natural History. And I might even be able to make you sound not creepy! (Non-creepiness not guarunteed. No refunds.)

So you see, I really can be a productive member of society if just given an appropriate clientele that will allow me to perform whatever random tasks I choose in exchange for money. And, to sweeten the deal, I will perform any of the above advertised “jobs” in a bikini for an extra $100 per hour. (Bikini offer void October - March.)

The honest truth? You can’t afford not to hire me.

[image from someecards.com]