Usually, I’m ranting about grey relationships, game playing or men vanishing, but today I wanted to take a break from musing about why New York relationships suck and focus on why even mere infatuation sucks.
I’m a stocking full of cheer, I know.
It seems in that in order to fall for someone to the extent that you want to share saliva (and other things) with them you need to idealize the person to a certain degree, at least in the beginning. This, I believe, is a natural step in the ‘getting into a relationship’ process. You truly see only 20% of the person, typically the glowing, impeccable, perfect, buys-you-groceries and only has good hair days 20%. They’re more of a fantasy than an actual person.
Then the long term dating game begins and slowly but surely you see a higher and higher percentage of their total person (they live in Guidoville, Jersey, what?! His cute lips are actually so red because he’s a cross dresser? He has all those hot tattoos because he was in prison? He’s actually a drunk with intimacy issues?) At this point, you either sprint away seeking refuge in the closest subway stop or decide to cope with the qualities of the person you don’t like so much (i.e. snoring).
Infatuation sucks because it’s the mirage that makes getting intimate possible. Once you get to know the person’s less esteemed qualities and still find yourself falling for them is when infatuation goes from dangerous to a health risk. Being infatuated with a complete human, not an ideal, is like swallowing random contents of your craziest friend’s medicine cabinet.
Symptoms:
1. The Future Fairy – a creature I like to call the Future Fairy takes up permanent residence in you cerebellum, making it virtually impossible to relax in, let alone enjoy, the present moment. All of your thoughts funnel into iterations of ‘Will we stay together?’ ‘When will we see each other next?’ ‘Will we have lilies or gardenias at our wedding reception?’ etc. Going with the flow becomes as difficult as that posture in yoga where you pretzel yourself into a headstand.
2. A Friendly Ghost – suddenly, you find yourself thinking about this person all the time. It’s as if they lived with you. You think about them when lolling off to sleep, imagine their arms around you when waking up in the morning, and think about what they’d be eating as you devour your breakfast. It’s NUTS! Having my own shadow is enough, thank you very much. And Casper is cute but I wouldn’t sign up for voluntarily being haunted, yet in essence, this is what infatuation is. Get used to never being alone again.
3. Mild Schizophrenia – do you find yourself enacting or reliving future or past conversations with your sweetheart in your head all the time like an internal radio station you can’t turn off? It’s like voluntarily signing up to be one of those people who hear voices inside their mind. Who wants this?
4. Thinking in Extremes – your rationality and judgment will get high-jacked. Either he doesn’t answer the phone and you immediately jump to the conclusion that he’s left you for a stripper named Bianca and tell him off in a voicemail accordingly OR the sock he left at your place is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. Then you watch your formerly educated mind morph into a little songbird-fest of puppies and rainbows…aka INSANITY.
This sums up today’s discussion on infatuation. Anyone who knows how to stay immensely relaxed whilst ‘in love/lust’ enlighten us below. Or just continue the rant.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I love you! You seriously read my mind…
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Oh, I obsess- but I don’t kid myself. Maintain a laundry list of their qualities you could live without as well. In my head, it’s a “Love him to death, adore the hell outta him, hope it works out…buuuuut, if I end up with someone who doesn’t ______, ______ or ________ that’d be okay too”.
p.s. That’s not to say that I’m not a teary train wreck at the sight of impending doom. best of luck haha xo
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:57 pm
This makes me think of that song, “Love Hurts.” Not that it’s a very good song…but it came to mind
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:20 pm
OMG, it’s like you’re documenting my shitty dating history!!
January 24th, 2009 at 9:24 am
ummmm, i’m absolutely going through this hell right now. i definitely feel insane 87% of the time and wonder when my brain aborted at let my lady-penis take over.
the best part is we went from hot and heavy infatuation to long distance relationship overnight. that’s one way to get that mild schizophrenia moving into terminal STAT!
anyway, thanks for writing this. if you can’t disconfirm that i’m crazy, at least you make me see i’m not alone in my insanity. gotta go, the Future Fairy is hovering!
February 4th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
I’m actually a guy and I am going through that with a girl.
W/o getting into the details, I cooked her dinner (SOMETHING I NEVER DO), found a dood for her cousin b/c she wanted to double date, accepted the fact that she didnt know me well enough but ‘wanted to know me more, hang out more’ but not on date, and i was ok with it, b/c i was and am madly infatuated with her. I’ve done some pretty ballsy things in my life, but when i talk to her, i turn MEEK and respectful right away. To me, she is the sexiest woman alive. Yes, its pretty bad.
As far as what to do about it: I don’t really know. Usually its easy to move on after a week, but for some reason I couldn’t get this girl out of my head, when i went to work out, went out with other girls who liked me, etc. . .which was what led to me eventually asking her out on a date. Part of me wishes I never would have met her. It sure would have saved me the frustration.
I guess just KEEP PUSHING to do your own thing, even if the person does pop in ur head, and eventually, EVENTUALLY, it should go away. Takes alot of work though.
I think infatuation is something that can go away once you find something amazing about yourself, or something to work toward. And getting that person out of the picture entirely helps as well.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
@Johnny Doe - Wow, oddly nice to know that all this psychoticness happens to men too.
February 5th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
MMB,
Yes, I am unfortunately one of those straight guys who doesn’t think like a straight guy, more like a chick.
“She will leave me if i don’t have sex with her!”
March 7th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
I’m interviewing people for a little documentary I’m making. One of the questions is, “how you tell the difference between infatuation and love?”
This article clarifies your thoughts on in which is helpful.