SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Dear, Subway Gal.

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for the past five years and I’m beginning to think that the relationship isn’t going anywhere and that he may be using me, so I’m hoping you can help clear things up for me. We were dating for about a year before we moved in together and during that time he was great. He was loving, fun, attentive, and the list goes on and on. We also talked a lot about our future together, which included marriage and kids. However, after we moved in together, he slowly started to change. All of a sudden he wasn’t so loving and attentive anymore and now he spends more time with his video games than with me! Our sex life? Barely existent. He’s late giving me his half of the rent payment each month and he usually forgets to give me his half of the money for bills. And worst of all, the talk about our future together has all but vanished. At this rate, I’m not sure we’ll ever get married! Subway Gal, I don’t know what to do; please help me figure this out.

Thanks,

Elizabeth in PA

Dear, Sad and Lonely in PA.

Thanks for reaching out to me and yes, I can help you, but first I must ask, have you been in a coma for the past five years? If not, then you are very naive, or very, very stupid. Hate to be so blunt (not really), but the truth hurts. He is definitely not that into you anymore, and I almost feel sad for you that it’s taken you so long to figure this out. I mean, all the signs are right there in front of you - you listed them for me! Sounds to me like you’ve got yourself a slug. He’s using you, darling, and chances are, he’s probably sleeping with someone else, because I have yet to meet a man who can go without sex for an extended period of time.

But alas, all is not lost. There’s still time to fix this situation, though at this point, you probably won’t be able to do it with your dignity intact. But hey, at least you’ll be rid of the slug! Here’s what you gotta do - take his precious video game, and smash it with a hammer. Don’t have a hammer? Any heavy household appliance will do. Next, find his wallet and take out all the money because he owes you for all those bill payments he “forgot” to make. Then I would take his ATM card and go get the rest of the money he owes you, and a little extra for all the pain and suffering he’s caused. Don’t know his pin number? Grab some of his valuable possessions and take a trip to your nearest pawn shop. That should make up the difference. And, before he notices his missing cash and possession, engage him in the best game of mattress tag you two have ever had. And during that session of crazy sex, bite his penis. Hard. That’s for cheating on you. And if he wasn’t cheating on you after all, then that’s for not giving you the sex you deserve. After all that is said and done, kick his lazy, pathetic ass out the door and enjoy being Miss Independent for awhile. Then go find a man who wants the same things as you. And word to the wise, don’t move in with him until after he’s made the commitment and presented you with a big, fat, engagement ring.

All the best,

SG

Wanna read more of my brilliant advice? Check out columns one and two.