So there’s this “chain note” going around on Facebook in which people are supposed to write 25 Things about themselves, and I’m pretty sure almost everyone I know has done one. I’ll admit that mine was pretty lame because my entire freakin’ family is on Facebook, so I had to try to minimize the swearing, try not to look insane, and be careful not to reveal any instances in which I cursed the family name.
In reading my friends’ lists that were way cooler, I decided I’d like to write one that wasn’t total doo-doo. So here are my uncensored, 25 random things.
1. I’m in my parents’ house, petting their fat Bichon.
2. Have you ever woken up from a Girl Scout sleepover at the age of 9 in complete confusion and bewilderment because you somehow managed to poop while sleeping? Yeah… me neither…
3. Last 4th of July was the first time I ever vomited from drinking too much, and I blame the bartender for giving me a drink with Jager in it when I asked him to “surprise me.” Well, mission accomplished, but it was a complete waste of the delicious salsa-covered Crif Dog and tater tots I had eaten that night, and a major mess in my boyfriend’s bathtub the next morning. He can’t talk shit though because one time he puked chili nachos all over himself and a taxi (inside and out) after getting sloshed at my end of college party. Worst. Smell. Ever.
4. I will let any dog that stands shorter than my knees lick my face, even if I know damn well that they lick their own balls.
5. If you don’t like dogs, I think you’re a fucking idiot, because dogs are sweet. Even if they do lick their own balls.
6. Even though flared jeans are totally lame, I will probably never be able to phase them entirely out of my wardrobe, because my ass is way too fat for skinny jeans to ever be an option. (Note to readers: flares are still out there, they just call them “boot cut” now. I’m not being fooled.)
7. Holly Hunter has the most annoying voice.
8. My favorite story to tell people I just met is how I intentionally put my old chewed gum into the mouth of the lead singer of Cobra Starship, by taking it out of my mouth with my hand and placing it in his.
9. Brittany Murphy really really sucks. She has a terrible Staten Island accent and can’t always hide it. Okay so I’m watching Little Black Book on cable. It’s crap.
10. One day I dream of smoking a cigar while riding in a convertible with some hot bitches.
11. The main reason I miss high school is for the after-school television, like TRL and Jenny Jones and Maury. There were always crazy sluts getting makeovers and stuff. Afternoon TV in the 90s was sweet.
12. I hate when people use the word “chaos” in earnest, because it makes them sound like either a fourth grader who just learned the word, or some silly bastard goth kid who’s got plans to shoot up his school. But conversely, I love sarcastic quotes and air quotes, especially when they’re misplaced, like on Chinese menus.
13. Brittany Murphy’s character is never going to work with Diane Sawyer because she’s a silly cunt who is way too obsessed with getting a man. Diane Sawyer wouldn’t stoop for that, she’s a single lady who eats bitches like that for breakfast.
14. I think televised sports are boring as all get-out, so I doubt I will ever be able to enjoy a full, nacho-eating, beer-drinking, football-watching, bro experience.
15. Thora Birch is one of my favorite actresses, even though the only good movies I’ve ever seen her in are Now and Then and Ghost World. Even so, she is so damn cute that I would totally bang her.
16. Eliza Dushku is so crap. Why is she famous?!
17. A lot of the points on this list are directly related to what I’m watching on TV. For some reason I love TV, even though the only things on it that don’t suck are Seinfeld re-runs and Nip/Tuck.
18. Nip/Tuck is the closest thing to porn I’ve ever watched intentionally.
19. Why the hell is Brittany Murphy driving in Manhattan? She really is retarded. She deserves all the miserable shit she gets in this movie. Wait a minute, she gets to work with Diane Sawyer in the end? This is bogus. Working Girl is better than this and I hate that movie. Jesus Christ, Carly Simon looks like Steven Tyler.
20. I love adding new words to my “dis vocabulary,” and will not hesitate to steal awesome terms and insults from people I’ve just met.
21. My dream job would be “Creative Consultant,” where I would basically just be hired by whoever as someone to give them good ideas and solve problems and make their shit better, but not have to do any of the work involved in executing the plans. I made this job up, and yeah, I’m lazy.
22. I’m really relying on scientific technology to do some things in the future within my lifetime: a) use stem cell research to figure out a way to stop and reverse aging for real, not with shitty drugstore creams or surgery, b) breed dogs and cats who don’t need to eat or poop, and c) jet pants.
23. I hate Jennifer Lopez because she does like a million different things but isn’t very good at any of them. Yeah yeah, she’s from the Bronx, shut up about it already.
24. Sometimes I wish I was Asian or ethnic in some way, but since I’m not, I try to convince myself that I’m “interesting” looking when I am, in fact, just white. Spending time in places like Ireland helps.
25. I occasionally fantasize about becoming intentionally homeless or joining the Peace Corps to get some perspective on life and real world experience. Then I remember how much I love showering.
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:03 am
HAHA HOLLY HUNTER’S VOICE IS F-IN ANNOYING..
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:36 am
Ditto on # 25
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:40 am
Thank you for ‘tagging’ me. Lists are fun:
1. Whenever I read the word ‘Lingerie’ I think of pasta. The written word looks like a dish that you’d find on the menu of a Fancy Italian Restaurant. AND, pasta IS pretty sexy.
2. I’m VERY fickle. Sometimes. Well,…no. Not really. No, not true at all.
Okay.
2. I love to flirt with other people’s fathers.
3. I thumbtimes type with a lithsp. I hope to one day overcome this.
4. I always wanted to be rescued by a St. Bernard because I Love, Love, Love Martinis.
5. <– Is my favorite #. Sometimes it’s 3. I like odd. Evens #’s can suck it.
6. I sometimes get perverted responses when taking work breaks and using the acronym for informing other co-workers I’m ‘Not In Front Of Computer’ or NIFOC.
7. I’m constantly planning for times when I can be spontaneous.
8. I LOVE the prospect of new Bromances, as long as the other guy is not too Bromiscuous. I usually make the stupid mistake of sending Broses too early in the relationship…But, at the end of the day, I’m still a Hopeless Bromantic at heart.
9. I think brains are sexy. And delicious. I struggle with being a closeted zombie.
10. In 8th and 9th grade, I seriously considered stand-up comedy as a career. Then I realized: SERIOUS = NOT FUNNY.
11. One of my high school friends was so happy for me when I told her I was going to art school. She always thought I was an amazing ‘drawer’.
12. When we were kids, some BFFs and I were making a tree fort in the woods. I tired to throw a hammer up to a friend working on the roof and missed. No worries though. I was able to catch it with the top of my head.
14. I sometimes skip numbers out of compulsive superstition.
15. I once answered the phone for my boss who was expecting an important call from a UK business associate. After detecting the heavy British accent, I put the caller on hold and told my boss I thought it was the call he was expecting. I think my EXACT words were ‘Yea. The guy’s speaking English’…
16. I lost my favorite guitar ‘Leia’ to an Ex-BF when we broke up and I moved out.
17. My band was asked by The Smithereens® to open for them at a local Titty Bar/Rock Club. They almost canceled their own appearance because the booker was trying to give her boyfriend’s band OUR time slot.
18. We learned a while back, at the Elimination Ceremony, on Rock Of Love Bus™ with Bret Michaels® that he DID, in fact, have the finest European hair extensions money could buy. At last week’s EC I couldn’t help but notice Bret’s man cleavage. I think those are fake too!…I couldn’t take my eyes off them!!! …Whatever…He’s still the prettiest girl on the show this season anyway.
19. I enjoy Gladiator films. And I’ve seen a grown man naked.
20. I’m chewing 2 pieces of Dentyne Ice® Mint Medley™ gum right now.
21. I’m Tri-Lingual. I try speaking many foreign languages, and often combine them.
22. I think this may be the year I finally get my Pink Unicorn tattoo.
23. I require very little sleep, and usually only sleep a few hours a night.
24. I should be working right now.
25. …And while I don’t mind being ‘tagged’ myself, I don’t like tagging others.
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
What about American Beauty?!
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Oh yeah, true dat, I forgot about American Beauty, the third and final good Thora Birch vehicle.
April 28th, 2010 at 6:46 am
I can’t belive it, I adore Bret . I hope he is going to be better!