It happens every time. I am about four blocks away from my apartment, when the drug store bag begins to sag and I can feel the plastic handles stretch to an unfathomable size.
And I know if I don’t haul ass, I am going to end up with 20lbs worth of drug store supplies littering the sidewalk.
Every time I tell myself, “I am not fucking carrying anything home ever again, from now I am ordering all my groceries and drug store items to be delivered”…Yet I consistently end up sweating through my ski coat trying to carry pulp-free McManny Orange Juice down the sidewalk.
I know there are carts. In fact I see people using them all the time. But I just can’t bring myself to buy one. I have a feeling the only people who bring home groceries in a big metal cart also live with ferrets and discuss carpet color on the weekends. It is all too much for me.
Every Saturday morning the same thing happens. I wake up with no food in my fridge and a renewed sense that I will ONLY go and purchase pancake mix this time and lug it home in an easy-carefree matter, like I am on an episode of The City…except without the four million dollar apartment or boyfriend who sells cocaine on Wednesdays.
If there is one thing I can’t stand in life, it is hauling shit home. Hauling laundry…groceries…small homeless midgets…I just can’t do it anymore. There is no easy way to look cool with a bag full of easy-make rice and beans, and a super-sized box of generic brand tampons. There. Is. No. Way. You can’t even smoke a cigarette carrying that kind of shit.
To top it all off, I am normally suffering from a BBD as well.
I don’t understand how anyone could be fat living in the city. If you can’t haul groceries home, then you can’t eat…and by the time you get home, your kitchen area is so small you practically have to teach your cat Mr. Trounces to cook for you because your arms can’t reach inside that oven made for elves.
It is like an episode of Survivor every time I go out there. And when I am in the grocery store it is even worse. I am buying things based on how lightweight and easily movable they are, and how little time it will take me to prepare them.
By the time you pay for all your shit and begin to drag it home, it normally starts to rain, even though there has been a drought for years and you end up trying to canoe across the street without getting hit by a Crosstown bus.
Suburbanites have no clue what us city dwellers go through just to bring things home like toilet paper. Last time I bought toilet paper in bulk I threatened my mom to drive it back to my apartment or else I would tell Aunt Kitty she uses Lays Potato chips on her casseroles…my mom just about had a small aneurysm and I ended up with a 40-pack.
Needless to say, next time I decided to go pick up some groceries I think I will invest in some roller skates and a bottle of GHB.
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:06 am
I have a green grandma cart and I love it, I will never ever ever never ever give it up………It makes going to key food so much more enjoyable, you ahve to get one, and I do not own a ferret
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:12 am
Hahaha. I am so there with you. There is nothing worse than a shopping bag-induced hot flash in the middle of the winter. And I actually went to the trouble of buying a cart…it’s still wrapped in plastic…because I’m too lazy to carry it ALL the way to the grocery store.
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:13 am
OH MY GOD every fucking time I am doing my big, like, once a month grocery haul, it starts to rain or hail or frogs start falling out of the sky. I even bought a cart because I hate hauling so much, but I never ever use it because I only seem to buy groceries if I’m passing the grocery store on my where to or from somewhere else.
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:17 am
haha thanks TP..I may have to borrow that sometime…
WHy is it that we cant just always get our groceries delivered? We shouldnt even be given the option of having to carry them back….I end up counting it as a serious workout in lue of going to the gym…
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:31 am
You people all own carts?!?!??
I always ask them to double bag bc I’m always paranoid about being THAT person on the sidewalk who’s dropped all their stuff.
And yeah, I always go in thinking ‘I’m just going to buy 1 thing’ and end up unable to stuff 3 bags of instant macaroni and apples into my bike’s basket.
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:35 am
hahah MMB…I didnt realize people ‘owning carts’ was as popular either…
February 2nd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I’ve given up carrying my own groceries (I used to do it and it was the toughest workout of the week) and started getting them delivered. The extra $5 you have to shell out for a tip is totally worth it.
Everywhere else I go though that is not the grocery store leaves me walking home (uphill) with 50 lb. bags. This is where boyfriend comes in handy. I walk as far as I can and then stop and call him and make him get up, put on clothes and come meet me and help me carry my shit home.
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
ahhhh so that is the use of your boyfriend!
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I must admit, I have a grandma cart too. Only when I need a shit ton of groceries. But my trick is to go often enough that you only have to carry 2 bags each time. A few times a week. Works like a charm!
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:55 pm
yes but how do you get home all your alcohol? alcoholics like myself need a better plan…
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Ah yes…well the liquor store is 2 blocks the other direction from home, so it definitely requires a separate trip.