SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Lately, I’ve been wondering about work. Things like, does anyone really love their job? How can we learn to love our job? Why must we work? What does it all mean? Well, after thinking about it for about two days, I have no answers. I do however have some new, exciting potential career ideas for myself. I mean, I like my job and all, I do it well, and I get a sense of pride and satisfaction after a job well-done, but it can be really stressful sometimes. I spend my morning commute to work trying to psych myself up for the day ahead and telling myself not to get stressed and stay calm. But, until I win the lottery, work is a necessary fact of life. So, if I’m going to be working for the rest of my life, I feel like there might be something better suited for me out there that gives me a constant sense of pleasure and satisfaction. Something I actually look forward to doing, and love doing. So, I’ve thought long (for about the 30 minutes while I was on the elliptical machine at the gym this evening) and hard and come up with what I think is a really good list of potential future careers for me based on what I excel at and what I like to do.

As some of you may have already come to notice, I’m a bit of a drama queen. And I’ve pretty much always been this way. One of my mom’s favorite stories is from when I was three-years-old and I was at the store trying on my flower girl dress for my aunt and uncle’s wedding. After I tried it on, the seamstress sent me back into the dressing room to change and give her the dress so she could make alterations. “NO!,” I told her. “My mommy paid for this dress and I don’t have to take it off!” My mother was mortified, but much to her relief, everyone laughed. I was young and cute and so I could get away with it. Fast forward fifteen-twenty years and not much has changed. I’m still dramatic, but my episodes aren’t really cute anymore.

Once, before a cheerleading competition in high school, all the girls decided to put their hair in tiny braids (which I hated) and we all had to go out and get little elastic bands to fasten the braids in our hair. Well, I couldn’t find any little elastic bands and so I cried. Eventually, one of the other girls got the elastic bands for me and even did my hair. Anything to avoid another scene. Another time, in college, on my way to a bar when I was hammered already, I called my boyfriend at the time and he wouldn’t answer his phone. My voicemail message to him went something like this. “Tom!! You better call me back ASA-FUCKING-P!” Later on, when an ex-boyfriend (surprisingly, not Tom) broke up with me (by abruptly cutting off all contact with me for no reason whatsoever), I contemplated killing myself on a daily basis. We dated for all of three months. I’m dramatic. You get the point.

Anyway, in a sick and twisted way, I actually like the drama. I live for it. Watching soap operas, particularly ABC soap operas, especially my favorite, “General Hospital,” just makes it worse. It’s like I channel the characters, which in turn makes me even more dramatic. In fact, I think I’ve become one of my favorite GH characters, Carly Corinthos Jacks. Or perhaps her character was modeled after me. I don’t know, but here she is in a nutshell:

If you mess with Carly, be prepared to pay the consequences. Having once held her own as the wife of a mob boss, she now lives by her own rules. And while she makes life miserable for those who’ve betrayed her, those closest to her have her undying loyalty.

That’s totally me, minus the mob boss (for now). So, since I already have a flair for the dramatic, I think I should be a soap opera star! I’m a natural. And since scenes are shot in like five-minute increments, I could memorize lines between takes. I would get paid to be dramatic. And I would be semi-famous!

If the soap actress thing doesn’t work out for some strange reason, I’ve also considered being a reality TV star. I know that’s an easy job I could definitely handle. Just look at the kids from “The Hills.” They are everywhere. They are literally famous for doing nothing. And just look at those “Rock of Love” rejects or “The Girls Next Door.” They are still being talked about! Even some lucky rejects from “The Bachelor” go on to get their own “The Bachelorette” show and end up semi-famous. Case in point - Tristan and Ryan. They are everywhere and I have no idea why! If I didn’t care so much about how my crazy antics being filmed for all the world to see would embarrass my family and probably cause them to relocate and change their names, I would be making my “The Real World” audition tape right now.

In addition to enjoying being a drama queen, I also really enjoy sleeping. The best feeling in all the world is on a Friday night when I’m starting to fall asleep in front of the TV around 8 p.m. and I know that I can get in bed and sleep allllllllll day on Saturday because there is nothing for me to do. So, I thought I could put my love of sleep to good use by extending my services to some scientists as a lab rat. I could work at one, or several, sleep clinics and let doctors observe my sleeping habits all day. I’m not sure if this job exists, or if it pays well, but I think it could be a really ideal job for me and I may post an ad on Craigslist and see what happens.

If none of those ideas work out, I could build on my (imaginary) success as an amateur advice columnist and be a therapist. I mean, I already give out stellar advice to people (who I make up) who write to me with their problems, so why not profit from it? I can’t imagine what could be more fun that listening to other people’s problems all day, which would take the focus off my problems, and dispense any kind of “advice” I want. And get paid for it. Well, being a soap opera star would probably be more fun, but I think this would definitely come in second. But until daytime TV comes knocking at my door or Miley Cyrus really does ask me to help her clean up her act, I think I’ll just have to find a way to love my current job. . . .