February 5, 2009. NEW YORK, New York — Life is hard for Jessica Bennett. She gets up everyday like the rest of us, but doesn’t dare to dream what it’s like to live as a normal person. She fears leaving her home and braving the crowded streets of New York City because she suffers from a common yet misunderstood disease: Porn Star Syndrome.
Jessica’s affliction affects roughly 1 in 10 women between the ages of 16 and 45, but is still a mystery to the medical community. The symptoms of Porn Star Syndrome (or PSS) typically emerge right after a girl goes through puberty, and the symptoms include cartoonishly oversized breasts, tiny waists, bleach blonde hair, acrylic nails, plunging necklines, and lipliner that varies greatly in hue from the color of the lips themselves.
The exact cause of PSS has yet to be determined, but early research is showing strong evidence that PSS may be hereditary, as mothers who suffer are 90% more likely to pass the characteristics on to their daughters than mothers who are homely.
“Everyday I head to my job as a stylist at Ricky’s, and not a day has gone by where I haven’t been harangued by cat-calls and whistling from guys as I walk down the street. Sometimes customers even have the gall to ask me for my number,” Jessica says, through a torrent of long held-back tears. “Do you think I want to look like a sex goddess?! Sometimes I just wish I was ugly, like everyone else!” The mental and emotional effect of looking like a prostitute has clearly taken a toll on Jessica, and the prescription drug industry has yet to find a way to exploit and treat her condition.
Another young woman, Alexis Frost, says that contracting PSS is one of the best things to ever happen to her. Alexis tells me, “I was an ugly kid, lanky, gawky-looking. Then when I finished middle school, suddenly I was hot and attractive. I mean, my grades plummeted, but so what? Boys loved me. And isn’t that the most complete form of satisfaction one can hope for in today’s modern, workaday world?” as she attends to a customer. Alexis is a shampoo girl at the Hair Cuttery, and couldn’t be happier with the course her life has taken.
Other sufferers, however, disagree with what they perceive as complacence in Alexis’s attitude toward her disease. Jenny Ross is one such person. “We’re not all idiots, you know. Just because we look like porn stars doesn’t mean we suck dick for money. And even if we did, who hasn’t in today’s modern, workaday world? I’m just trying to get enough money to put myself through college.” And so what if it’s cosmetology school, it’s still an education, and that’s all that counts. “So I like makeup! So what! I can do sudoku, too. The point is this: I’m not a porn star, I just look like one,” Jenny points out, as she re-adjusts her bra and tests yet another deep purple eyeshadow in the MAC Cosmetic store.
In addition to the physical effects of PSS, some sufferers will also exhibit signs of “The Anna Nicole Smith Effect,” in which the patient believes she is far more talented than she actually is, abuses those who she believes are “just jealous,” becomes promiscuous, and then is able to flirt and sleep her way into a high-profile career. “The Anna Nicole Smith Effect” is typically harmless until the patient enters middle age, at which point they are likely to experience a crippling “Reality Check” that coincides with the degeneration of their physical attractiveness in conjunction with their loss of youth.
Those who take advantage of sufferers in this way are usually dealing with their own personality complexes (”Joe Francis Disorder,” etc.) that allow them to abuse those with justifiably low self-esteem in exchange for sexual gratification, regardless of their mental state. Many women who deal with PSS in their youth turn to reality TV as they age to satisfy their desire for attention, eventually causing a complete loss of dignity and sanity.
As of now, there is no cure for PSS, but many sufferers, even those who are undiagnosed, live long and healthy lives, with their main issues being constant sexual harassment or sexually transmitted diseases resulting from complications associated with “The Anna Nicole Smith Effect.” Though in some instances, drug abuse can result, leading to death. This Saturday, there will be a charity walk to help raise awareness of PSS in Washington, D.C., that will conclude with a wet t-shirt contest and Jell-O wrestling. Minimum donation for the event is $5.
[image from hollywood-celebrity-pictures.com]
February 6th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I had no idea what this post was about at first, but this is actually HILARIOUS
February 6th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Yeah, it’s fake news. Hope that didn’t go over people’s heads!
February 24th, 2009 at 6:03 am
Brilliant.