SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

The New York Times is reading my mind, stealing article ideas from inside my head again. Videoconferencing has been a topic on my ‘to-rant’ list for sometime now and last week, NYT did an article about the resistance to video calls, an article which I can’t for the life of me now find despite how much I Google. If anyone can find it, please post it below.

The article talked about how videoconferencing should’ve taken over the world by now. That the technology has been in place for sometime, we just all refuse to adapt to the change. This includes yours truly. I hate technology that forces me to use a remote, joystick or more than one button, primarily because they rarely work and seem to have their own ‘personality.’

Isn’t the point of tech objects that they’re supposed to work ALL time and be like robots?

Yet this is never the case.

My lap top wakes up from sleep mode differently every time I open it, suffers from random wifi sickness (days in which he’s just not up to the challenge of surfing the Internet) and I swear works better if near chai tea. Sometimes he loses battery power in 30 minutes; other days can last up to three hours. He’s not a reliable tech item. In fact, my laptop showcases human traits of unreliability; intense random humming and sporadic failure to function that could probably qualify it for a diagnosis of muscular dystrophy.

Same goes for my TV.

And tech craziness seems to take its largest hold on videoconferencing systems. The system at my office makes routine appearances in my nightmares. It has this camera with a motion detector that creepily follows you around the room and readjusts itself like a gun angling to blow your head off. It also has a mind of its own.

I conduct video calls as the only person on my end (the only thing scarier than a videoconference system is being alone with the videoconference system) and am therefore forced to start up and close down the system myself. Many times, Mr. Videoconference doesn’t want to shut down, he wants to stay awake and play, and doesn’t allow me to terminate calls.

That’s right.

I press the hang up button repeatedly but it refuses to shut off. I usually duck and sneak out of the room so the camera can’t find me and hope the system puts itself to sleep eventually. But who knows what it does in there once I leave it alone. It could be a sexual predator for all we know.

These tech reasons are just a fraction of the pie chart about why videoconferencing sucks. The largest reason is that it forces you to do things like get dressed and oh, BE in the office. The joy of a conference call is that you can call in from anywhere as long as it’s quiet and free of non-office noises. For me and others, this often means a deserted area of the ski slopes, the dentist’s office waiting room or your BED. Also, with a videoconference call you don’t have to just haul yourself to the office, you have to actually make yourself look presentable.

Dressing up for a camera? What is this?

Not to mention factoring in time to look presentable cuts into my wardrobe budget and morning sleep time. Now this system is costing me personally both time and money.

Most videoconference systems show you ON the screen as well. So if you didn’t have a complex about how you (and you hair) looks on camera, you do now.

The worst news of all is that videoconferencing makes it no longer possible to eat, file your nails, or shop online while on calls. You have to sit like a college student taking notes and pretend to pay attention. I even feel self cautious taking sips of my water. The entire scenario is just weird. I enjoy my life NOT being like a Bourne or Battle Star Galactica set impersonation. I like old fashion phone calls and not having to constantly chant to myself not to readjust my bra strap or play with my hair because people can see me.

In short: videoconferencing systems – back off. Get out of our offices and let us all continue to enjoy the freedom of conference calling. I’m really good at faking being a nice person on the phone, probably because I’m not-listening / multitasking. On video, not so much.