SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

I think calendar companies across the United States should get together and officially change the name of Valentine’s Day to “Girlfriend/Wife Appreciation Day,” or “PMS Forgiveness Day,” because let’s not kid ourselves, this day is not about men.  I’m not sure if it was obvious from all the pink hearts and lovey ladybugs and diamond commercials, but c’mon dudes, we all know this is a day to treat your lady like a queen and thank her for all the times that she’s hauled your drunk ass home, or picked up your stank socks, or made you dinner five out of seven nights a week, or fished your three-day old boxers out of the bedclothes on a Sunday morning instead of taken some time for herself.

To be frank, I think women should get a whole month. Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day aren’t nearly enough to shower females with the appreciation they deserve, and you shouldn’t have to have a date just to be acknowledged for your feminine awesomeness. A woman gave birth to you and probably does your laundry, which is just another of the reasons why I can’t understand men who treat women like a mobile taco stand.

Anyway, while I’m waiting on Congress to pass a bill naming May “Girl Power Month,” here are a few tips to having a successful Valentine’s Day. 

If you’re in a relationship:

DO give your girlfriend/wife pretty flowers, or do little thoughtful things for her.

DON’T expect to get a gift from her (it’s a recession! And when was she going to shop? In between cleaning the kitchen floor and baking you a delicious pie? That’s gift enough.)

DO make reservations at a nice (not necessarily expensive) restaurant.

DON’T fail to prepare, and then look like a jackass when you end up eating at McDonald’s in semi-formalwear.

DO make sure you have something nice to wear, that fits and is ironed.

DON’T wait until you’re about to go out and make her iron your shirt that barely fits over your new beer gut (men really do these things. You can see why we’re insane).

DO take her to a cool club with dancing and champagne, like Ultra’s FCUK Valentine’s Day Bash.

DON’T take her to a club and realize you’ve forgotten your wallet, make a scene at the door, or hit on other women.

DO let her pick your evening’s entertainment if she wants, but if not, take care of the arrangements on your own. She’ll see that you care and can do things like a big boy.

DON’T allow the evening to involve anything sports-related, unless she’s into that.

DO have awesome sex at the end of the night.

DON’T get really drunk, make her take you home, vomit in the bathtub and then pass out on the bathroom floor.

If you’re single:

DO go out somewhere with your other single lady friends that is letting girls in for free, and preferably involves an open bar.

DON’T settle for going on a date with some dude you’re not remotely into.

DO buy yourself candy, flowers, or some other nice little indulgence to enjoy.

DON’T go to see a cheesy chick-flick/romantic comedy, because those movies suck and it will probably just make you miserable and self-pitying.

DO talk shit on people in happy, romantic relationships, especially ones that engage in very public, very disgusting, displays of affection. Truth is, they make everyone sick.

DON’T reduce yourself to making out with a gross guy just because it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s Black History Month too, but that doesn’t mean you should walk around in a Tupac t-shirt.

[image from foundshit.com]