SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

This one is for the fellas.

Ok guys, I know you’ve been thinking for a while, “Subway Gal is so wise. When will she tell us the secrets for bagging the woman of our dreams?” Well guys, wonder no more! Today, I am going to share with you a few (but not all) secrets about what (most) women want from a man and how you can attract the woman of your dreams.

What a woman wants:

1. A man with a sense of humor. Nothing is worse than a guy who can’t laugh at himself or a good joke or appreciate a woman with a sarcastic sense of humor (ahem). If you can’t watch Will Ferrell run around stark naked in “Old School,” then you are made of stone, and I want no part of you!
2. A man who treats us like a princess. And by princess I don’t mean be kind and gentle and loving towards me, I mean, treat me like an actual princess. Fetch me food and drinks when I demand, I mean, ask for them, carry me when we are out so that my feet won’t hurt, and do everything I say. Is that so much to ask for??
3. A man who is nice and respectful and won’t beat us. You hear that, CHRIS BROWN??
4. A man with money. I know it sounds cliche, but no matter what a woman says, it is absolutely true. A life of leisure with a “staff” to cook me food and wash my house, never having to work, sleeping in late and shopping and drinking the rest of the day? Sign me up! So lesson here is, go get rich fellas. Take a second job if you can handle it, because every woman wants a man with money. Not every woman will end up with a man with money, in fact, many won’t, but a girl can dream.
5. A man with a six-pack. Again, this is one of those things that most women want, but not all will get. A good man, the kind you can actually date, never has a six-pack. No, those are reserved for the a**holes. Come on guys, get to the gym and work it! If I can wake up early on a Sunday to go to cardio kickboxing class, you can drag your lazy butt to the gym once in a while, or if not the gym, at least over to the ab roller collecting dust in the back of your closet.

What a woman does not want:

1. A man with a small peen. No further explanation needed.
2. A stalker. It’s great to feel loved and wanted and all, but there’s a fine line between infatuation and scary obsession. Like, if we spend the evening apart and I’m out with my friends, I shouldn’t have 10 missed calls from you in the span of 10 minutes. And you and/or your best friend shouldn’t “accidentally” show up where I am. That type of psycho behavior will send you back to singleville. I should know because I perfected the art of stalking crushes and ex-boyfriends during high school.
3. A man who is short. Unless you have a lot of money, or look like Brad Pitt, or have something equally interesting to offer, a woman is not usually attracted to a man that is shorter than she is. It’s socially awkward for a woman to be taller than the man. I know it’s not fair and it’s probably prejudiced, but it’s true. And I don’t know many woman who would give up wearing stilettos and parading around in flats all the time, just to accommodate a man. I don’t know how Kat(i)e Holmes puts up with it.
4. A man who is not educated. Nothing is worse than trying to talk about important current events like the breakup of Hugh Hefner and the Girls Next Door, or who had the cutest celebuspawn in 2008, with a guy and him not know what the hell you are talking about. Hellooooooo? Don”t you read Perez Hilton or People? Relax, I’m just kidding! . . . . sort of.
   
5. A man with a hairy back. Just looking at the below picture makes me cringe. In the word’s of the wisest spinster around, Jennifer Aniston, that is uncool. What is it’s purpose and why haven’t you waxed it yet?? Does it keep you warm on these cold winter nights? Its not attractive and even if you are the richest, sexiest, sweetest man around, an excessively hairy back will kill the romance and end the relationship.

You’re welcome.