SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

KIM:

So Devin, being that you are qualified to answer all questions regarding men… as you technically are a man and have all the right parts and what not..at least I am assuming…I was curious..Why is is that you think women always fall for guys who don’t like them?

You always hear about women trying to form a relationship with Joe McToe who wants to “be an actor”, claims he will “never get married”..and has an occasional meth problem? ..Ok so maybe not so much “meth”….maybe instead of “meth” I mean to write a “commitment problem”….but same idea.

DEVIN:

Every woman I know is a bit of a drama queen. Ladies thrive on scandal like men thrive on NFL games and greasy food. And part of that is because women talk so much. I don’t remember the exact number, but women speak about three times as much as men. Which brings me back to your point, why do women fall for guys who don’t like them?

I think that a guy who doesn’t like you, or at least makes you work for his affection, is much more interesting. How boring of a coffee date with your girlfriend is the following conversation: “Yeah, he calls me every night at seven on the dot. He picks me up with flowers. He really cares about my feelings and hasn’t even tried to screw me yet.”

 Now try this one: “Yeah, I don’t know what it is. He was all over me at the bar when we met, and he was a GREAT kisser. I mean, he just knew which buttons to push. And the sex was incredible. Mind-blowing. But then he didn’t call me for like a week, so I thought it was just a one night thing. And then the other night, he calls me up and asks if he can take me out to dinner. It was so sweet.”

 So it’s not necessarily that the guy has to be a loser or a bum. It’s more important that the guy be interesting. I think that it just so happens that guys who have nothing going on, frequently (or infrequently) sleep with their ex-girlfriends and have a little bad boy thing going on tend to provide better stories for the drama queen’s sewing circle .

KIM:

Women talk three times as much as men? Listen to me Hotdog, it took you about four run-on sentences to say what I could have said in one.

I would like for a guy to buy me flowers, as long as they weren’t crap flowers…or flowers that needed watering, cause I don’t like all that “alive” shit.  But I will say there is something about a guy who sleeps with you then doesn’t call for a week…something that makes you want to …um, love him? Hmm no..wait..wring his balls? That sounds more like it! I enjoy comparing “love” to “ball wringing”.

And last time I was in a “sewing circle” Relish was about…umm…never…you think us hot bitches like to “sew”? Please, I have small inbred Italians working in my basement who do that for me. I pay them in sausages and hair grease.

This brings me back to another point, what about ‘nice girls’? Are they boring as well, or does every guy really want a sweet, little housewife deep down?

DEVIN:

I will not apologize for the run-on sentences. You have to remember, I’m a tad effeminate.

I’m not saying women love men who sleep with them and don’t call. Or men who have women on the side. Or men who are in bands, in the military, etc. It just so happens that they typically date a man who does one (or all) of those things.

 I think the reason girls like bad guys is the same reason that guys enjoy bad girls. Most people’s greatest fear is being boring. Most relationships are a little boring. It’s the same person every day, the same sex every night, the same restaurant on Saturday night, the same TV shows, etc.

 There’s nothing wrong with a nice girl, as long as she occasionally drags you into the bathroom at her friends party, sends you a few camera phone pictures that are NSFW or reaches under the table at Thanksgiving dinner. Let’s just say I have a slight Isla Fisher fantasy.

 Is a nice guy boring? Or are you really going to try and tell me you’re hoping for a guy to take you to Build A Bear on the first date?

KIM:

Depends on what kind of Build-A-Bear we are talking about here…is it a naughty bear? Does the bear have dirty thoughts on his bear mind? Is he getting in trouble in the forest kind of bear? I would need more specifics.

 Truthfully…ever girl wants a bad boy until she wants to settle down…then she wants a good boy with bad boy fragments that are almost completely gutted out.  

When I am home pregnant one day and I need pickles and ice cream soda at four in the morning and a DVD rental of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants , who is going to go get that for me? The “exciting bad boy”? I think not. The bad boy would still be out at some bar trying to pick up the Budweiser Cheerleaders.

 As my friend Kelly put it so eloquently one time, “I want a man who can teach my son how to play baseball…not how to rock out to DJ Scribble…”….

AMEN.

One person can only put up with so much fake tanning and waxing.

DEVIN:

I think that’s kind of the point. Safe is boring, but safe is good, at a certain point in your life. There comes a time, (Usually accompanied by a white picket fence, a puppy and possibly starting to identify with the beaten up husbands in sitcoms) where a guy decides that it’s easier to have a nice girl. That way, he can trust that while he’s out making money and improving his career, his wife isn’t playing slip and slide in his marital bed with a good-looking gardener.

 Still, I maintain that no one should ever entirely get rid of their “bad boy/bad girl” elements. You need to keep  things interesting.

Even once I’m married, I hope my wife at least occasionally still goes fake tanning and keeps her Victoria’s Secret credit card.

KIM:

Don’t worry Devin, I am sure your future wife will have plenty of credit cards and a whole pile of Victoria’s Secret debt that you will take on.

And as for everything else…just make sure your garderner is ugly.

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For everyone who enjoyed this, like Devin, hates Devin,

wants to marry Devin…you can check out  his male blog at:

www.youcanneverbehappy.wordpress.com.