SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

I remember when I was about 10 years-old and driving in the car with my mom on our way home from visiting some of her relatives in New Jersey (I know, I know, don’t hold that against me) when I said, “It was really fun seeing Aunt Tina, mom. Hey mom, do you know the movie Beauty and the Beast?” Yes my mom said, as she smiled back, sensing the compliment to my aunt that was surely coming next. “Well,” I continued. “I think Aunt Tina looks like the Beast*.” Suddenly, everything was silent. My mom looked back at me in shock. And then anger. Safe to say, she was offended. And pissed. I didn’t know what I did wrong. I didn’t mean it as an insult. I didn’t mean my aunt was big and scary and hairy. I just meant that there was something about her that reminded me of the Beast. I thought it was a harmless comment, but I quickly realized that I should have kept my thoughts to myself and my big mouth shut.

I remember thinking that it was all just so unfair. Here we were in school being taught about our constitutional rights, which, last time I checked, included freedom of speech, and yet when I tried to exercise my freedom of speech and say what was on my mind, I got death stares and the silent treatment in return.

Well, a short while later the Internet starting getting real big, or maybe it was already big and I wasn’t yet cool enough to realize it, and social networking came around and suddenly there was a whole new way to speak our minds without fear of consequence. Anyone could say anything they wanted on the Internet, or they could cowardly hide behind anonymity and say whatever they wanted without fear of it having be traced back to them. Finally, there was a place to speak freely. Or was there?

With the advent of MySpace comments and Facebook status updates and blog postings and tweets, came a whole new way for people to express themselves. Social networking had arrived and it was great! I say was, because our freedom of speech is in jeopardy again.

It appears that our parents, and grandparents, and bosses and clients have also jumped on the social networking bandwagon and suddenly we are getting Facebook friend requests from our CEO and great Aunt Mary. One day you’re posting status update letting all your good friends and acquaintances from high school know that you got wasted last night and accidentally had sex with your co-worker, and the next day Aunt Mary is slipping you condoms and AA brochures at the Christmas dinner. It’s just not right! Our constitutional rights are once again being threatened!

The Internet was born to give us back our freedom to be ourselves, and we shouldn’t be penalized for it! As long as I’m doing my job well, it should make no difference what, or who, I do on the weekends. I shouldn’t have to be ashamed to walk into work on Monday because I know my boss saw the pictures I was tagged in on Facebook doing drunk karaoke on Saturday night. If you chose to friend me, then be prepared for what you will find out about me and do not hold it against me.

Take, for example, the latest victim of social networking rape - the poor Ketchum idiot who went to deliver a presentation to his biggest client, FedEx, in Memphis, and Tweeted about how awful the area was. Now I’m sure his description was accurate, because what the hell does Memphis really have to offer?, and he had every right to tweet about it, but he should know that nowadays everyone is on the Internet. Sure enough, someone from FedEx in Memphis saw this idiot’s tweet and it caused a whole raucous in the media and almost cost this guy his job.

Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, it doesn’t appear that there will ever be a way to express ourselves freely because there will always be that underlying fear of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person and ruining our life in the process. Unless of course we all become alcoholics who wander around aimlessly saying whatever we want to whoever we want whenever we want because we just don’t care. And when we do become sober enough to care, we start drinking again.

What? Do you have a better solution?

*DISCLAIMER: My aunt is beautiful and in no way shape or form resembles the Beast from Beauty and the Beast or any other Disney movie. I honestly don’t know what made me think she looked like the Beast.