SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Just to update everyone on my constantly changing and ever-so-exciting life, I am still unemployed, and still feeling, looking, and behaving like a lump of mashed potatoes. However, there have been some positive developments in the form of job interviews. I had one last Monday for a receptionist position, and I was contacted today for part two of that interview.

Now if I were a regular person, I might be feeling kind of nervous or anxious about this interview, but since I’m me, I feel just fine. Why is that? Because I’m a great interviewee. I’m poised, articulate, confident, and professional all while remaining personable, approachable, modest, and friendly. And that’s what employers want, right? Someone who can exude whatever quality they want, when they want it, without having to give any kind of verbal or written cue. This skill can also be helpful when trying to snag a man and trick him into loving you.

While I feel confident in my ability to jive talk my way into a job, dressing the role is a little more challenging for me. And Lord knows, it doesn’t matter how well you can grift a mark if you’re sitting there in last year’s culottes and a Gwar t-shirt you stole from your ex-boyfriend, because you probably won’t make it past the security guards and it’s highly unlikely that you’ll get the job based only on your bum-rushing skills.

So today, with my overflowing excitement at the promise of a second interview, I decided it would be a good idea to go to the mecca of cheap/casual/business-y/all-purpose clothing, H&M, and boost my chances of scoring the gig with some fancy new duds. Hey, you gotta spend money to make money, right? You need clothes to get a job, and I’m certain this potential employer is just as sick of the clothes in my closet as I am.

And really… how bad would it be to show up to a second round interview in the same outfit as the first one? Probably pretty bad. They might think you’re really so desperate for work that you only have one outfit and haven’t changed out of it in a week, and the stain from your meatball sub isn’t helping things. But either way, after that first interview outfit, (let me tell you, it was pretty good,) I’ve now set myself up with a challenge to beat. There’s a lot riding on the second interview outfit, and I don’t intend to slip up.

It’s got to be professional without being stuffy or stuck-up, fashion forward without being trendy, polished without looking funeral-y, cute and flattering without being sexy or date-y. And it’s February, and I can’t manage to walk more than two blocks in heels, and it can’t have any visible stains. Having to look presentable or attractive is just another reason I fucking hate winter.

So I’ve photographed a few possible outfits, Cher from Clueless style, for readers to vote on. Now please, don’t judge me too harshly based on these outfits, I’ve already made it clear that I can’t dress myself and have a fashion sense that’s about as keen as Amy Winehouse’s sense of socially appropriate behavior. Tell me which outfit you like best and why, if you’ve got ways to change or adjust them to work, or if you hate them all and think I am utterly hopeless and doomed to be jobless forever, please give constructive criticism. The least popular items that I purchased new today will be punished by being returned to the store because, duh, I’m unemployed.

#1: For the first outfit, we have a sensible yet chic navy blue high-waisted skirt with buttons and pockets. Also, a black, short-sleeved V-neck, with one of those sweatery, vesty things (also with buttons) over it. I would wear this with black tights and black boots, because like I said, fuck heels.

#2: Outfit number two is a black and white striped dress. The stripes are wide, as you can see. The problem with this is I’d need something to put over it because it’s winter and my arms would be cold. My go-to cover up, a hoodie, is probably not appropriate. Another problem is that boots wouldn’t really “go” with this, and heels and flats are both pretty torturous. Damn you, society!!

#3: The third outfit on tonight’s menu is a ruffly black skirt, the same black V-neck from outfit #1, and a black and red cardigan in a giant houndstooth print. I’m not completely sure, but I have a bad feeling about this one. I can’t quite put my finger on it but something about it is weird…. Tim Gunn? “The bottom half says, ‘Flamenco!’ but the top half says, ‘Let’s study at a cafe in Williamsburg!’….Make it work!”

#4: Outfit numero quattro consists of a cheap-ass purple dress I bought at Forever 21 last summer for the equivalent of about $4 in today’s money, that sneaky black V-neck again, and a black belt from Primark, London’s fashion-friendly Kmart. This would also work with black tights and the boots. Does anyone think a black blazer over this mess might make it interview worthy?

#5: But wait, what’s that coming out of the gate?! A fifth outfit! Turns out there was some okay stuff in my closet. This outfit consists of yet another stripy dress, this one of the “sweater” persuasion with a “bubble” shape. There’s a black, long-sleeved V-neck under this one, and it would go with the belt from outfit #4 that I forgot to photograph it with. I like this dress because it can go with black tights and boots, it’ll be relatively warm, and I never have to worry about it blowing up in the wind.

Alright readers, now’s the time for you to cast your vote, and for me to pretend like your input has some great effect on my life by allowing you to influence my outfit choice which may, in turn, get me a job. My interview is at 2:00pm tomorrow so votes will be relevant until noonish. Stay tuned to hear which outfit I ended up wearing and how the interview went down….

[headilne image from lifespy.com]