SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about my recent trip to Vermont entitled ‘Life Forms Outside of New York.’ This is the Washington DC edition.

Yes, I voyaged to our nation’s capital.

This is always a frightening prospect.

I worry:

Will DC citizens quiz me on my knowledge of American history on random street corners?

Will I confuse the names of the 7 billion monuments, look moronic, and be forced to repeat 11th grade?

Am I allowed to swear or makes inappropriate jokes if within walking distance of the White House?

Most importantly, will the amount of preppiness in Georgetown make me physically ill?

Since I’m more passionate about HBO than CNN, I’ve never really felt ‘smart’ enough for DC. Everyone there wants to change the world by lobbying and transforming the government, while I just want to change the world by blogging and occasionally supporting Brooklyn-based theatre.

Needless to say, I didn’t plan on fitting in – and I didn’t. My friends steered me away from all tourist activities which was a plus, yet I’m starting to think as a New Yorker you don’t really fit in anywhere in America, primarily because New York isn’t really ‘America.’ It’s New York. It took a weekend away to realize:

1. New York’s a true CITY. Perhaps I was in the wrong area, but there were no high-rises, smog, or highly claustrophobic areas. My friend explained something about height restrictions on buildings to preserve the aerial view of the White House. To me, the whole city just felt like one big suburb.

2. There are more attractive people in New York than anywhere else in the States, and we take this for granted. LA people are hot too, heck, LA may even win the most attractive award if your definition of beauty extends to include plastic surgery post-ops, but in DC, there are no baby models, or even of-legal-age models, or pilates moms, or bankers with personal trainers. None at all. This should’ve been comforting, but it just felt weird.

Some things DC did have to offer:

1. Cupcakes. Apparently, it’s a new thing down in DC that should be spreading north – stores that just sell cupcakes. Here Magnolia has a cupcake monopoly and it’s still a legit bakery. In DC, there were cupcake stores that offered no other pastry or baked good selection every few blocks. Are cupcakes the new Pinkberry or something? Are people truly turning to the archaic comfort of frosting in these turbulent times? Weird.

2. Fake designer purses. I thought NYC’s Chinatown remained the epicenter for fake Gucci. Sure, the quality of fakes has gone down recently, but I just blamed the police cracking down on Canal Street in the hopes of turning Chinatown into productive, usable city space instead of an under-the-table flea market they can’t tax. Turns out, all the quality designer bags ended up in DC. I spent a lot of time parsing through fake designer handbags when I lived in Italy and let me tell you, the ones on saw on multiple corner rickshaws in DC were up to par.

On Sunday was I glad to be back in New York?

Absolutely.

No offence DC, but there’s nothing like a weekend anywhere else to make a person truly appreciate all New York, despite its seeming soullessness, has to offer.

Image via Trust Point Homes