I’ve confessed that I watch The Bachelor. Not my finest moment, but at least I was honest. There’s something about the idea of witnessing two people truly falling in love on national television that’s intoxicating enough to religiously DVR. Last night was the season finale. It went something like this:

8:15pm – They’re still just recapping. I’m anxious and poised in front of the TV with my new ano-diet of banana-orange yogurt shakes and carrot sticks. The fun’s about to begin.

9:03pm – We’ve finally arrived at the meat of the show.

For those of you with lives who aren’t up on these things, sweet, single dad Jason who got cruelly rejected by Bachelorette DiAnna last season, must choose between Molly, the exciting blonde, and Melissa, the less exciting but adorable Texan who’s great with kids. At this point in the show, you can essentially see Jason’s mojo making the decision for him. Melissa may want to be a school teacher and is undeniably amazing with his three-year-old son, but he wants to bang Molly.

All signs point to Molly getting the ring.

9:21pm – In a dramatic twist, DiAnna from the previous season shows up at Jason’s front door. Apparently things with the guy she chose over Jason (an immature snowboarder) did not work out. Shocking (not). She’s here to tell Jason that she lost sight of what she wanted (him) and went for the more exciting option (snowboarder shmuck). Then she also throws in some lines about if Jason would consider taking her back, which I think ABC just gave her twenty thousand dollars to say so we’d all get riled up. Anyway, at this moment we see Jason’s entire outlook on the situation shift.

“Don’t make the same mistake I made,” says DiAnna. We now see that Jason’s going to go with the safer, better match for him and his lifestyle, Melissa, and let sultry Molly go.

9:57pm – My roommate and I are rejoicing after Jason proposes to Melissa and they jump into a swimming pool with his small son, adorably clad in a tux.

Trust me as someone who’s watched every episode of this series, that Jason and Melissa are perfect for one another. Yes, Jason sobbed like a baby when saying goodbye to Molly (it was ridiculous and almost metro), but of course it’s hard to say goodbye to someone you wanted to do the nasty with and have strong feelings for. The fact is that Melissa’s realistically the better overall choice for marriage. Jason was miraculously able to see that.

Maybe men aren’t insane after all!

They’re going to live happily ever after.

Hooray!

NOT.

Next, The Bachelor After the Final Rose comes on where Jason comes on screen, now six weeks after the tearjerkingly fabulous finale we just saw. He announces he’s changed his mind.

I’m not kidding.

He’s been with Melissa for six weeks but feels like the chemistry’s not there and he can’t stop thinking about Molly.

!!?!?!?!!??

Part of me hopes the whole show is a bogus and ABC’s paying these people a fortune to fake all these twists and turns, but the emotion on screen when Jason told Melissa he was dunzo with her (despite the fact that he proposed to her and they’re engaged) was just too raw to be real. Same with when they then brought Molly out (who has no idea he’s still interested in her) and her jaw dropped when he asked if she’d take him back (after she’s been suicidal the past month from his rejection).

What is going on!?

I guess engagements do get broken up all the time in real life and falling in love on a soundstage in probably different from falling in love in the real world. I just wished I’d stopped watching at 10pm on the happy ending – not the outlandishly painful drama that followed. I watch really depressing independent films when I want to tear my hair out in a depressed rage, not channel 5.

Don’t worry, After the Final Rose Part 2 with Jason and Molly airs tonight. Those of you I’ve intrigued can also watch Jason get harassed by Jimmy Kimmel here: