SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

The Social Man posted this video yesterday and I naturally I wanted to add in MY purely from female perspective two cents.

So they cover that you shouldn’t sleep with a guy if you’re doing it to get him into a relationship with you. Yes. Thinking that sex equals a relationship is sort of like thinking that holding hands gets you pregnant. It’s naïve in its absurdity. Yet for a lot of women, taking the things to the sexual level is by definition a relationship. Sadly, there’s a huge disconnect here between the sexes here since the majority of men out there don’t think this way. Sex doesn’t define the fact that you’re in a relationship. This is 2009, not 1971 – and I doubt it even worked this way back then.

I say if you’re really into the guy and want to be in a relationship with him DON’T sleep with him, at least not until you’re 100% sure you want him to potentially be your bf (and that he’s bf material). This usually takes time. Then you have to say to him, if this is what you want, which it seems most women do:

“If we’re going to get more involved I want to be in an exclusive relationship with you. What are you thinking about where this is going?”

I realize saying this is like walking barefoot across a pile of hot embers and glass shards, but it’ll save you so much burn and blood later on. Think about how much more tranquility, time and T-Mobile minutes you’ll have when you’re NOT analyzing with your girlfriends if his every eyebrow twitch and head nod may or may not mean he wants to be in a relationship with you.

Just ask!

And this is usually easier to do if you’re not physically attached to him yet (thanks, hormones). If he says he’s not interested in a serious relationship right now, believe him. Let him go or get involved knowing that fun’s the one and only name of the game. YOU WILL NOT CHANGE HIM. When you tell someone you want a chocolate cone does that secretly mean you want cookies and cream?

NO.

Most of us want what we say we want. And go after what we want. Most men tell you if they’re open to a serious thing or not in the first few dates, we’re just never listening. We’re too busy already fantasizing about how great he’ll look after we make-over his entire wardrobe and we spent weekends together over eggs and the Sunday New York Times.

I think my main point is that the answer to the question ‘when to sleep with a guy’ has nothing to do with ‘a guy.’ It should only have to do with you and knowing what you want. Easier said than done. Take some time to actually identify your needs instead of getting swept away by feelings. If you’ve decided you can have sex with someone without secretly harboring fantasies about the flower girl’s dress at your wedding, sleep with him whenever it feels right. If you’re someone who’s not so conformable with casual sex and is looking for something more serious, don’t sleep with him until you straight up ask him what he’s thinking. I feel so many women waste time trying to trick guys into relationships with them in what I call the “Dr Evil Approach to Love.” Why play games for months when you can ask in 10-minute conversation?

The boys in the video also talked about what a turn off insecurity is. I get it. So don’t say ‘I need to know your exact intentions before getting more intimate,’ while chewing your hair and hyperventilating. Just ask in a not-attached-to-the-outcome way (which you won’t have to fake since your hormones aren’t telling you to mother this person’s child) if he’s in the market for a relationship right now or not. That doesn’t make you insecure; it just makes you an adult who wants to know what she’s getting into. I think it also makes you more desirable because you now sound like a woman who actually knows what she wants, which is hot. Oh, and if the man sprints away forever, terrified by this little convo, you have your answer.

Once you have all the information, you can decide a course of action that’s best for you. You can sleep with him anyway and actually enjoy it because you’re not wondering ‘where is this going’ in the back of your mind. Or you can say you’re really looking for something more serious and painlessly move on to find a guy who’s on the same page as you.

I’m not saying kill the spontaneity of a relationship by talking it out. I’m just saying respect yourself. Women seem to do best when they know what their getting into. So when to sleep with a guy is when you’ve gathered enough information about him to make the right choice for you, being true to what you want.

Of course no matter how much information you gather it’s always like jumping off a cliff. The sex could be awful or he may suffer a sudden personality change in which case you can always just leave. I’d just say sleep with a guy when you have your eyes 100% open, not closed. Remember, you’re the only person looking out for yourself and your feelings. I’ve found the more you make this clear to others before getting intimate, the more attractive you become.