So I’ve noticed that lately, more often than usual, my fellow writers have been tackling the subject of relationships. Personally, I’m not big on discussing romance and relationships because I think that’s for pussywillows who also enjoy things like ice skating and salads. Just kidding. It’s because I’ve spent my entire adult life in two long-term relationships, with a rare, 12 weeks of singledom in between. What can I say? I’m a dude magnet.

Anyway, despite the fact that I have about as much experience dating as a blind person has at winning at ping pong, I do have experience with attracting keepable men. So I thought it was about time I let all you desperately sad and single ladies in on my tips for getting into long-term relationships with guys who will worship the ground you walk on, help you remove stubborn socks, and rub your back whenever you want.

Let me preface this first by saying that I do not subscribe to anything you may have seen in Sex & The City, I’m not at all on the quest for “the ring,” (did you see Lord of the Rings? I think that was a metaphor for marriage. That shit will mess you up) and I don’t believe in bullshit. At the very least, this list might get you a date with me, and hey, you could do a lot worse than ol’ McNuggs. I’ll be posting this in installments because I’ve got a looooot of long, wordy, verbose, drawn-out, specific tips. I know, you can’t wait to read them. Let the listing begin!

1. Don’t take any shit. If you’re the kind of person who gets off on being treated like crap, you can just stop right here. I don’t dig the kind of guys who use subtle, veiled insults to pick up chicks, because, well, they’re idiots, they’re playing games (stupid ones at that), and trying to manipulate you. If I wanted to hang out with someone who insulted me, I’d go to a family event or spend a night alone in front of the mirror.

If you ask (nicely) for this guy to do something, be it meet you somewhere on time, kill a horrible spider, or take out your garbage, and he chronically  fails to do it without a reasonable excuse (i.e., someone died), or just because he’s a jerk, fuck him! There’s no need to go out of your way to be a bitch or anything, but just don’t bother calling him back or making future plans. You’re a grown-ass woman and can do things yourself - you don’t need no man to support you. If he’s not willing and eager to do things you ask, then what the hell is he offering to you in a relationship? And if he fails to help you at the very beginning, I have bad news: it will only get worse. That spells you, pregnant, on a bus to the hospital ten years from now while he’s gambling your life savings away in Atlantic City. Face it, the truth hurts.

2. Make sure you are compatible. First question - Do you prefer Burger King or McDonald’s? If his answer is different than yours, do not proceed.

3. Be yourself. This should be obvious, but for some reason, I get the impression a lot of women act like silly bitches when they go on dates, and pretend to do and be interested in a lot of things they’re not just to impress the guy. Unless you are willing to undergo genetic reprogramming, don’t bother with this. You will end up getting really tired, getting trapped in your own web of lies, and misleading this dude who you aren’t right for anyway. It’s also a waste of time and you’re not getting any younger.

4. Have sex with this dude whenever YOU want. But always use protection!! i.e., a condom, because the pill can’t stop AIDS. Lord knows you don’t want that. Actually, only fuck this dude after you find out his sexual history, if you can help it. I say this because I’m really tired of the stereotype that women are like pathetic and dependent creatures who act only based on emotions, and will use sex to control men. Obviously don’t let him pressure you into it if you’re not down, but don’t use sex as some kind of bargaining chip. It’s a stupid game (see #1.) And don’t worry about looking like a slut. Being a slut on your own terms is probably pretty awesome as long as you don’t get any STDs.

5. Invite him to hang out with you and your friends. It’s important to see how this guy interacts with human beings he isn’t trying to fuck. It’s also important that he be able to accompany you on group hangouts and not be a complete douche in public. And it never hurts to get your friends’ two-cents either.

Stay tuned for the rest of my brilliant ideas on how you should handle your love life. Because if I, a complete and total stranger with no qualifications whatsoever, can’t somehow put you on the path to romance, you’re probably a lost cause.

[image of McNuggettini from buzzfeed.com]