SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

“Yeah my friend Dan’s girlfriend plucks all his ingrown hairs for him…”

“What?!..Kim stop, you are making me sick.”

“It’s true! She loves it. He says that is why they have been together so long…she keeps finding more ingrowns.”

I could barely control my laughter while telling her this, but truthfully, in my mind, in made perfect sense.

My boyfriend ran his hand down my lower back last night and I could feel his index finger fiddling with something on my skin.

“Are you trying to pick that zit on my back?” I asked.

He let out a laugh, “Um…yeah, I guess.”

Truth be told, I think he was doing it subconsciously. He didn’t even notice the finger drilling into the bump on my back.

“When is your back going to clear up?”

“When my birth control makes my hormones normal again.” I said, giving him the ‘are you calling me ugly’ face.

But reality, I didn’t feel ugly.

In fact, I felt quite the opposite, as I spread out on his sheets in my old DKNY t-shirt (think 1997) and neon purple undies.

In the wake of our ever-growing relationship, I now sit around with zit cream on, cutting his toenails with the same clippers I use on my kitten.

For those of you that just made a ‘that’s disgusting’ face..all I can say is… you haven’t been in a good relationship yet.

I have dated plenty of people where I spent the majority of my time making sure I looked “pretty”…and not farting… In fact I used to buy Gas-X like it was going out of season. I had more bulk packages of that stuff than I did tap water.

I remember showing up early for dates, just so I would have time to run to the ladies room, check my makeup, my outfit, reapply lipgloss, take the Plan B Pill…ect…

Now I show up early to meet my boyfriend only if I want to get a head start on drinking…and I am normally in sneakers (we bought matching gray ones at the Sports store last week…yes you can vomit r..i..g..h..t..NOW).

But when suddenly you feel comfortable around someone, all those insecurities and unnecessary ‘politeness’  go right out the window.

In fact, I am fairly certain if I was having severe constipation and back sweating problems (neither of these are beyond me), the first person I would call to tell would be my boyfriend.

And if my boyfriend woke up in the middle of the night with stomach cramps and a bloody nose, I would be the first to be woken up or called. Not because I could actually do anything…but simply because he would like me to know. 

Ever notice couples staring at each other on the train? I guarantee that is not a ‘love stare’, that is more of a ‘Does she have anything in her nose? Did I pluck that white hair on his chin?’ kinda stare. Couples are like wild monkeys in the jungle, constantly looking for insects to pluck off each other’s backs. 

So while you may call us disgusting, all I can say is, when you find your disgusting counter-part, you too will discover the joy of filing  your lover’s extra-thick ingrown nail.