SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Yup, it’s that time again when I tell it like it is to those poor, (imaginary) misguided souls who write to me for advice. It’s time for Subway Gal to dispense her worldly advice, as she did in posts past - “If I Were an Advice Columnist” Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

Dear, Subway Gal.

I’m what you might call an adventurous girl. I’m a 46 year-old single mother of two who strips on the weekend so that she can afford to keep a nice roof over her kids’ head and food on the table. Plus, I secretly like the thrill!

I know what you’re thinking? Not a shabby life, right? Well, the problem is that my younger daughter found out about my stripping. She found me passed out drunk on the couch after a night at the club. I still had my outfit on and she confronted me in the morning. I couldn’t lie to her, so I was forced to tell the truth. Unfortunately, she told a few of her friends who told their mothers and now I’m being called things like “slut” and “bad, irresponsible mother.”

I need someone on my side, and I knew you would understand, Subway Gal. Please reassure me that what I’m doing isn’t wrong.

Yours truly,

#1 Mom

Dear, Dina Lohan.

First of all, at 46, I would definitely not call you a “girl.” Second of all, I wouldn’t exactly call you you adventurous. I would call you, a hott mess. And I don’t know what gave you the false impression that I would back you up because I most certainly agree with your friends. I think you are a Grade A whore. A fame whore, to be exact.

You’re nearing 50 and, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but someone has to do it: you’re old, and your time has passed. You can’t live like a teenager anymore. Stop with the bs lies about needing to strip for the extra money. We all know that you get your money from other sources, like your daughter, who is famous for being a potentially gay alcoholic, who hit her prime five years ago when “Mean Girls” was released because you know it’s been downhill ever sense.

But I digress. Dina, I mean No. 1 Mom, it’s time to hang up the halter top and put an end to the late, drunk nights, and the stripping for chrissakes, and be a god-damn mother to your  out-of-control children!

Wow, that was intense. I didn’t mean to get so riled up, but you really piss me off Dina, I mean, No. 1 Mom. Get your shit together and do some god damn parenting for once in your life! Oops, there I go again with the cursing and getting riled up.

Ok, here’s what I think, D. I think that your daughter walking in on you in all your glory might not have been such a bad thing after all. In fact, I think that this was exactly the wake-up call you needed. You know what you have to do, Dina. I’m rooting for you.

From,

Your #1 fan, SG