SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

No doubt there are some major stinkers that I have omitted from this list, possibly because I haven’t seen them, or possibly because I did see them, but they were so bad that I have permanently blocked them from my memory. As an over-priveliged white kid who went to NYU Film school, I consider it my right to judge. Nay, it is my artistic/civic duty to judge.

If that tagline doesn't make you wet your pants, I don't know what will.

10. Hellraiser. I can see how this movie would scare a child and could therefore be used as an effective disciplinary tool, but beyond that, it’s really awful. With the exception of some of the special effects makeup, this thing is a shining example of sloppy filmmaking and laughable “horror.” Plus, the leading lady who is portrayed as some kind of seductress is a total uggo. Two thumbs down!

Wait, this isn't the sequel to "Liar Liar"?

9. The Number 23. Hahahah this movie looks hilarious! What? It’s not a comedy? What deal did Jim Carrey make with the devil that resulted in him starring in this complete joke of a movie. This thing was like Batman meets Identity meets every Nick Cage movie meets 8th grade Photoshop. Whyyyyyy Jim Carrey, whyyy?! Every new thing he comes out with is a small chip away at all the cred he earned for classics like Dumb & Dumber and Cable Guy. Now that was quality cinema.

8. Inside. Starring Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl fame, I picked this up off the shelf in Blockbuster presumably because I had a subconscious desire to torture myself for 2 hours. Because that’s exactly what this movie is. Plot: teen guy who looks like a chipmunk gets absorbed into this crazy family because he looks just like their son that died. No one seems to think this is strange. Nothing ever happens. Leighton Meester wears funky arm sleeves. The ends.

7. The Last House on the Left. Okay, you got me, I enjoy watching schlocky horror flicks from the 70s and 80s. Sometimes they turn out to be good or have some kind of camp value. This was not one of those times. But if you enjoy watching 70s bush, amateur actors, and don’t really mind a film that was made before the concept of “framing” came into play, by all means, give it a watch.

6. Little Black Book. Brittany Murphy is a fucking idiot. This film is about a psychotic woman who stalks her own boyfriend, meddles in his affairs and relationships, and in the end, realizes that she is a failed human being (I figured this out after 5 minutes of the movie). She also sings Carly Simon in some sad attempt at quirky character development. In my defense, it was on TV, so I had to watch it.

This is what will happen to you if you don't get off Facebook.

5. Fear Dot Com. Why does this film exist? More importantly, why did I rent it? Oh yeah, I think it was because I was 17. Moral message? The internet will KILL YOU.

4. The Da Vinci Code. I’m sure you’ve seen it. It’s awful. Tom Hanks has gross hair, it goes on for about two hours too long, and by the time anything interesting happens I’m too bored and confused to really give a damn. It’s a perfectly good waste of Audrey Tatou and I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand for it.

Note: This isn't "Teen Wolf"

3. The Company of Wolves. Sorry Ireland, but pretty much everything Neil Jordan does sucks. I know you think he’s awesome and stuff because he’s pretty much all you’ve got, but seriously, did you see this movie? It was the most heavy-handed, bizarre, nonsensical interpretation of a fairy tale as an allegory to modern issues I’ve ever seen. And I saw Ever After.

2. About Adam. Another stinker from the Irish film collection. Kate Hudson plays some Irish broad who’s dating some Irish dude who’s boning everyone in her family. I really hate Kate Hudson, and believe me, her Irish accent is as bad as you imagine.

Don Cheadle, noooooo!

2 (again). After The Sunset. This film is not to be confused with “Before Sunset” by Richard Linklater. “After the Sunset” is the eye-gougingly bad “heist” film by Brett Ratner, the biggest human douchebag of all time. Actually, he’s more like a colostomybag because he’s so completely full of shit. I would never agree to watch one of his movies unless it was for free or I was high, and one night, it was screening for free at NYU (now you understand). This hunk of steaming dogshit stars Pierce Brosnan, Salma Hayek, and Woody Harrelson (none of whom I blame for the terribleness of this movie). Ratner himself was present at the screening to regale us with the details of his inexplicable career success, many of which simply entailed him being a complete prick. Kudos!

1. The Hills Have Eyes (Remake). So I didn’t see the original, and I don’t think I needed to in order to know this movie was complete garbage. I went in there (once again, for free) thinking this was a film about horrible mutant people attacking people in the desert. And they were barely mutants! As far as I could tell, they were just dirty and ugly. And most of the deaths were by good old-fashioned, uninspired shootings. I wanted cyclops and people with tentacles who would murder their victims with extreme violence then eat the bodies or something. Something to make up for the lack of plot and character. Give me something!!

1 (for real). Wild Wild West. Wicki-wicki-wild-wild-west. Good lord.

Dear readers, what’s the worst film you’ve ever seen?

* I will never be able to spell that word.