So it seems that our society has finally devolved to a state in which I find reality TV less depressing than actual reality. Trashy bimbos competing to have sex with a dirty old hobo? Fine! A man telling women they are unlovable and subsequently changing who they are so they can finally snag that ring? Lovely! Another show about a freak family that has fifteen children? What channel!
With this endless winter weather and the economic shitstorm, I really could use some good news, and the fact that candy companies are still thriving while every other business fails miserably isn’t really enough to offset the neverending torrent of sadness dumped upon me by my daily email from the New York Times. Here are some items from the news lately that have made all the aforementioned horrifying and degrading television programs suddenly more appealing than catching up on the world’s important current events.
School Sued for Strip Searching an 8th Grader - You don’t even need to read the rest of the story to know this is extremely fucked up, but in case you were wondering, the 13-year old in question was strip searched (naked, mind you) because another student accused her of possessing… what? Black tar heroin? Crack cocaine? Enough meth to kill an elephant?! No. Ibuprofen. One of the most common, innocuous, ineffective over-the-counter drugs to ever exist. And, the strip searchers didn’t even find any. (Not even concealed in her vagina!)
Private Plane Full of Children Crashes in Montana - Is it just me, or are planes falling out of the sky like bird poop? This has gotta be like the 10th plane to crash this year. Gravity’s pissed? I have no idea. DON’T FLY.
Brooklyn Library Apologizes to Mom for Breast-Feeding - A mother was breast-feeding her baby in the children’s section of a Brooklyn library when the female security guard scolded her, twice, for having her breast exposed. After the fact, the mother notified the library that she would contact the ACLU and pursue legal action. This is depressing because it’s news. Since when does breastfeeding a baby qualify you as some kind of fringe minority group in need of special activists and legislation? This woman threatened to sue a LIBRARY because she had been SCOLDED? For having her bare tit out? Awesome, because public libraries have tons of cash to shell out for frivolous lawsuits. The classy thing to do would be cover your baby’s head with your shirt while breast-feeding if it made someone uncomfortable, but either way, that seems like ridiculous measure to take for only being scolded, and not even ejected or asked to leave. Grow a pair, lady! In the end, the library apologized and the security guard was transferred to a different branch. Score one for you, petty/litigious breastfeeding mom!
Man with Hero Complex Burns Down Building with Family Inside - Some crazy asshole set a building on fire, killing four people inside, so he could be the one to put it out. Which he didn’t even do. Sources state the arsonist was a volunteer firefighter with a hero complex who intended to be the one to save the day. If you can’t put out a fire you set yourself, you are one shitty fucking firefighter. Were there no abandoned buildings around? Dry brush? Hipster bars? What the fuck is wrong with people!
Cops Rape Woman They Were Escorting Home - Two cops were escorting a severely intoxicated woman home after she had vomited in a cab, and then, one of them raped her! Again, what the fuck is wrong with people! Cops are supposed to be the ones to take care of you and protect you when you’re over your limit, and instead these guys perpetrated the one thing you are most afraid of and vulnerable to while under the influence. Is nothing sacred?!
Hundreds of People Laid Off - This is a daily theme. If you haven’t lost your job yet, just you wait…
So now that you are as depressed and borderline suicidal as I am, you can realize that shows like “Rock of Love” and “Bad Girls Club” showcase the least of society’s trashy, horrible problems. In fact, they may even cheer you up after reading the day’s New York Times, which lately has been more shocking and awful than any reality show that has yet to be cooked up. At least dumb sluts are amusing and don’t harm anyone other than the pathetic rubes they convince to have unprotected sex with them! But hey, that’s at least 50% their own fault.
March 24th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
I’m totally with you on the no-flying thing. It seems like every few weeks there is another crash! UNREAL!
And don’t even get me started on cops - I hate them all and this story is just another example of how worthless they are! Yes, I once dated a copy and yes, he left me high and dry and yes, this is why I am still bitter towards cops.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:46 am
This round up is hilarious…although depressing
March 25th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I have to fly to Montreal on Monday. Thanks for reminding me that I need to refill some Xanax for the flight.
While there are some really great cops these guys sound like the fuck-ups from high school who are now officers in your home town.
Reality shows always manage to make me feel a lot better about myself if nothing else.
March 25th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Plane Lands at SFO, All 156 People On Plane Survive.
SAN FRANCISCO — On Monday March 23rd, at approximately 9:15pm PST, Flight 204 out of JFK landed on schedule at SFO International Airport. This marked the 116,427,266th plane to land without incident in aviation history. Nearby sources reported that it approached the runway “pretty much like every other plane that day.” The crew of Flight 204 claimed it was an ‘uneventful’ flight, but NTSB investigators are far from determining the exact cause of the successful landing.
“The circumstances of the error free flight have raised many issues, along with the successful landings of nearly 3,598 other planes the evening of March 23rd. Clearly something is out of the ordinary here, ” NTSB’s acting chairman, Mark Rosenker, said in a statement of the findings.
A hearing scheduled in May will try and determine why this commercial aircraft, like 99.999% of all commercial aircraft, landed successfully.
March 25th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Skip your risk is two-fold, because not only do you FLY, but you also SKI on a regular basis, which has also been proven to KILL. Skiing doesn’t discriminate, it will even target beginners and celebrities, sometimes striking without warning. Say no to skiing!
March 25th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
awwww but i loves my skiiiiiing.
March 27th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I’ve already told him to wear a helmet.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:56 pm
I do wear a helmet, on Stephie’s insistence. I’ll be honest though, I’m skeptical of the whole ‘helmet’ lifestyle. Skeptical. At Best. Skeptical. I’m drunk.