SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

I spent the majority of last summer cursing Kate Perry for coming out “I Kissed a Girl,” which aside from being annoying musical superglue in your brain, served only to encourage the ridiculous girl-on-girl fantasies of men everywhere. In short, I hated her and prayed she was a one-hit wonder I’d never hear radio deejays introduce again –

Until I heard her song Hot N Cold.

I sorta privately liked it.

Then I saw the music video, which may be my favorite music ever. Those who haven’t seen it, do so here. Those of you who are at work without headphone capabilities can enjoy my summary, which is basically that Kate’s about to get married waiting for her beau to say “I do” back. When he fails to respond, she proceeds to bitch him out at the alter (with the flower girl and wedding party jamming to the base beat of her song) and then chase him enraged out of the church, through the streets and past a giant hotdog, before continuing the pursuit on a bike.

Awesome.

She continues to give her former, failed fiancé a lecture, scaring him with a bunch of angry, zombie brides, before reappearing in the church where the fiancé says “I do” and we realize the entire video was represented a hypothetical fantasy which took place in the brief moment of her fiancé’s silence.

Isn’t this exactly what it feels like to be a woman?

In less than half a second, just like in the video, we can powerfully envision breaking up, a beating up, an exchange of things, and TNL-style wrestling, only then to get an email or text message that everything’s fine. And it’s not just with all the whacky love stuff. I can envisioned be fired, unemployed, homeless under a bridge, moving back home, the highlights from my mother’s lecture, and searching for new jobs on Monster in a nanosecond, before my boss relays that he just wanted to talk to me about changing our company’s insurance.

Is it just me, or are our minds crazy? And why do they always jump to worse case scenario? Obviously, it’s a defense mechanism; a defense mechanism based 100% on negative predictions which any half-wit therapist can tell you is bad. This is why we need so much yoga, reality TV or long baths to quiet the mind. Left uncontrolled, it’s a wild animal thrashing all over the place. I just hope that like Kate Perry, my unnecessary hypothetical fantasies start including oversize hotdogs, street dancers and zebras.