SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

The economy is in the crapper, global warming is coming to wipe us all out and you’ve gained at least five pounds from all the Easter candy you’ve been eating (or maybe that’s just me). So what’s making headlines in the news today? Let’s take a look at Google’s most read stories to find out . . .

1. Perez Hilton vs. Ms. California. I get it. She made a controversial statement. I don’t agree with it, but the girl is entitled to her own opinions and beliefs. What we should really be concerned with is that she referred to marriage between a man and a woman as “opposite marriage.” What the hell is an opposite marriage? I’ve never heard of such a term, and I’m pretty sure she made it up on the spot. And is that really someone we want representing the U.S. in national beauty pageants? I don’t think so. Anyway, this is apparently so important that it’s being discussed and debated, to death, by morning show hosts, late night show hosts and even so-called news hosts. Unbelievable!
2. Susan Boyle gets a makeover.  Who the hell is Susan Boyle, and why has she become so popular overnight? Until five minutes ago I assumed she was an “American Idol” reject who was getting her 15 minutes because she was a terrible singer. Like William Hung. Well, turns out that I was wrong, and Susan Boyle was actually a contestant on “Britain’s Got Talent.” She looks a mess, and supposedly she’s never even been kissed!, but she’s sweet, which makes you want to root for her and find yourself pleasantly surprised to learn that the girl can sing. Mildly interesting, but not incredible, and certainly not newsworthy. And this so-called makeover that’s most recently made headlines? Just a bad makeup job. Personally, I think it’s a downgrade. What girlfriend really needs is a pair of tweezers to clean up her unruly eyebrows, a trip to the salon to style her hair and a year supply of NutriSystem to help her slim down.
3. “Dancing with the Stars” - Who Go the Boot? Apparently reality television does indeed qualify as good news these days. This is what the media is reporting on. Personally, I don’t watch “Dancing with the Stars,” but it seems like everyone else, including the show’s No. 1 fan, my mother, does, so I get that it’s popular and people are really interested to learn who got  booted off the show this week (***SPOILER ALERT: it was former NFL player Lawrence Taylor), but I just don’t think it’s important enough to label as actual news. If we’re not careful, other countries will start to think we’re stupid. Wait . . . .
4. Lindsay Lohan is shockingly thin again following her breakup from that guy girl Samantha Ronson. I’ll agree that the girl is scarily skinny, but we all grieve in different ways. She just got out of a sorta long-term, alleged relationship (although she does apparently tell-all to Ellen on tomorrow’s show about her breakup), and she’s just trying to cope with it as best she can. Granted, starvation is not the best, or healthiest, option, but just give her a little more time to herself and I’ll bet she’s out there eating bread and having sex with spoiled male socialites again in no time!
5. FDA allows 17 year-old access to ‘Morning After’ pill. And give teenagers an excuse to have unprotected sex! Totally just kidding about that, btw. I actually think this is a good thing. Others, not so much. In fact, a group ironically named, ‘Concerned Women for America’ says the FDA was wrong and acted without regard for parental rights or the safety of minors. This is what people are getting passionate about and debating in the news. Not war, or the state of the economy, but lowering the age limit on a contraceptive pill by one year.

And that’s a recap of the day’s most important news stories. Thank you to Google for helping me identify these stories.