With all the talk these past few weeks about the war between Ms. California and Perez Hilton over gay marriage, and the new renewed debates on the topic that it’s sparked, I got to thinking about the good ole 10 COMMANDMENTS. Those who are against gay marriage argue that the 10 COMMANDMENTS define marriage as being between a man and a woman only. And while this may have been true all those years ago when the 10 COMMANDMENTS were drafted by a group of ignorant men, it’s the 21st century now and I think it’s safe to say that times have changed. And if we examine the original 10 COMMANDMENTS today, I think we will find that they may be a bit outdated and could use some updating. And, as a lapsed Catholic whose family is half-Jewish, I think I’m just the gal for the job. So, I present to you, “Subway Gal’s 10 Commandments for the 21st Century(TM).”
Original Commandment One: ‘You shall have no other gods before Me.‘
Subway Gal’s Commandment One: ‘What if god was one of us. Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus. Trying to make his way home. He may just be. So who is this strange slob sitting next to you on the bus demanding to be treated like a god? He’s probably homeless, so I suggest you get up and move seats.’
Original Commandment Two: ‘You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.‘
Subway Gal’s Commandment Two: Errrr, I’m not sure what this means. Is the church trying to tell me that I can’t carve a wooden angel or fish? That’s bullshit!! I can’t carve; I actually can’t really be trust with any type of knife, but I resent someone telling me that I can’t do it, so I am deleting this Commandment.
Original Commandment Three: ‘You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.‘
Subway Gal’s Commandment Three: ‘You shouldn’t curse, because it’s not polite, but you probably will anyway, so, if God really does love you unconditionally, he will understand and not take offense, so don’t worry about it.’
Original Commandment Four: ‘Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.‘
Subway Gal’s Commandment Four: ‘Only work four days a week.’
Original Commandment Five: ‘Honor your father and your mother.‘
Subway Gal’s Commandment Five: ‘Be nice to your mom and dad, because one day they won’t be around and you’ll probably feel bad about that.’
Original Commandment Six: ‘You shall not murder.‘
Subway Gal’s Commandment Six: ‘You shall not murder, unless it’s necessary. Like if your cop boyfriend disappears from your life one day, never to be seen or heard from again. In that case, he’s just asking for it.’
Original Commandment Seven: ‘You shall not commit adultery.‘
Subway Gal’s Commandment Seven: ‘You shall try to not commit adultery. But sometimes, shit happens. And in that case, either chalk it up to a really bad one-off decision, or come clean and tell your significant other that you are leaving him/her for a slut.’
Original Commandment Eight: ‘You shall not steal.‘
Subway Gal’s Commandment Eight: ‘You shall not steal. Unless it’s something small, like under $20.’
Original Commandment Nine: ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.‘
Subway Gal’s Commandment Nine: ‘If you are seeking revenge against a nosy neighbor, or a neighbor who always borrows your stuff and never returns then, a great idea is to rat them out to the authorities, or make something up about your neighbor and call the authorities to come take your neighbor away.’
Original Commandment Ten: ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.‘
Subway Gal’s Commandment Ten:‘Don’t steal your neighbor’s shit, including, but not limited to, his/her home, wife/husband, prostitute, cat, dog, monkey or horse.’
Yes, I’m well aware that this post was probably completely blasphemous and earned me a seat downstairs for all eternity, but let’s get real - I was on my way there anyway 
May 13th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Hilarious! I’m all for commandment number 4!
May 13th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Loved that! Now THOSE are commandments that make sense! Thanks Subway Gal!
May 13th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
i’m gonna carve a diorama of me stealing my neighbor’s stuff including her husband and donkey. see you in the fire pits.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
No. 4 is my fave too, Brandie
Thanks, Nic! I put a lot of thought into them and I am thinking about drafting a letter to the President to try and make the changes happen, but I’m lazy and it will probably never get sent . . .
Brilliant idea, Katie! I was actually thinking of calling the cops on my neighbors just for shits and giggles because I don’t like them. See you downstairs!
May 13th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
You shall not steal. Unless it’s something small, like under $20.’
hahhahahahah i love that one
May 14th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
It should be “You shall not steal. Unless it’s something small, like under $20, and you are drunk.”
LOL
These are great!
May 15th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Good point, Model! I should have included that, especially given a recent experience I had with a drunk bachelorette, who shall remain nameless, that stole some food from a deli because the annoying teenagers in line in front of her were dumb and taking way too long. See that situation, to me, is totally acceptable.