SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Ok, so I know this may seem morbid, but with all the talk of swine flu and war in Iraq and prescription medication with side effects that include dying, it’s kinda hard not to think about death. Besides, it is inevitable after all, so I don’t see anything wrong with being a little prepared for it, which is why I’ve prepared my eulogy. The person who I will ask to read it one day is still TBD, but some names I’m considering include Seth McFarlane (who is really funny, and might be my husband by this time), Steven Tyler (because he’s really cool) and Nicole Richie (because I hope we are BFF by this time and I’m godmother to one of the many children she will have with Joel Madden). Anyway, this is what I’ve come up with so far . . . .

“Subway Gal, a Eulogy”

What can you say about a life so unique, so interesting, so special and valuable? A life that was taken away from us way too soon? Subway Gal was a kind, gentle, generous, and most of all, loving soul. She brought laughter and love to all those who knew her. She was an inspiration. And those who did not know her were quite unfortunate. In fact, I feel bad for those people because they missed out on one special gal. Subway Gal handled life with a quiet, calm grace that made her well-respected and much envied. Subway Gal came into this world bright-eyed, curly haired, loud and opionated.  She battled through adolescence as a cheerleader, partied through college as a drunk slut and emerged as an important PR professional. Then, as this job became way too stressful, she pursued her dream of becoming a soap opera actress, and landed a role on General Hospital, for which she received a record 20 Daytime Emmy awards. She was an ambitious young woman who dated many, many famous, rich men, and had some beautiful babies along the way. Some might say she was Wonder Woman. We will miss you Subway Gal. And we will remember you as you were, a ROCKSTAR, instead of the bitter, drunk old woman you turned into. Amen.

At this point, I suspect everyone will be dapping at their eyes with handkerchiefs and yelling, “Why God, Why?” Billy Joel (yes, he will definitely be in attendance at my funeral. Why? Just because! Ok? This is my funeral, so don’t ask so many damn questions.) will start singing, “She’s Always a Woman” and everyone will go out to brunch (because it’s my favorite meal) and toast my honor with a mimosa.