I’m a fan of the New York Times’ Modern Love articles in a ‘I always read them three months after the fact and only online when I’m bored’ kind of way. Somehow, today I stumbled across this article, “My View From the Margins,” and wanted to throw in my two cents.

In a nutshell, this column’s about a reporter who interviews San Francisco Bay Area couples about how they fell in love. She described how even as a journalist who specializes in these kind of stories, she still feels clueless about how people really make the decision to settle down. Most of the couples she interviews, tell her they ‘felt it,’ ‘got this strong feeling,’ and the best, ‘just knew,’ their current spouse was ‘the one.’ She goes onto to contemplate why she’s never felt any of these lightening bolt-type ‘must marry’ emotions in her own romantic life, and wonders if she ever will.

Well, Miss Modern Love reporter, and anyone who’s interested, I have another theory for you:

THESE COUPLES ARE LIARS.

Of course they may be happy. They may even be in love. But these “I just knew” proclamations they churn out when talking to single people have nothing to do with love. It’s just them defending their life choices. Besides, when interviewing couples together, in the same room, do you really think they’re going to say the truth? The truth which probably sounds something like:

“I was nearing thirty and having recurring nightmares about my eggs drying up and having to resort to measure like IVF to procreate. Tim seemed to love me more than I loved him, which was sometimes annoying but also something I knew would be good for the long haul when I’d probably have tons of cellulite. After the steamy guy I was obsessed with dumped me for the fifth and final time, I decided it was time to grow up and follow the path all our friends had stumbled onto by marrying him. After many phone calls with my girlfriends and family examining the pros and cons, I dropped enough hints so that he finally proposed.”

Someone’s not going to say this in front of their spouse. In fact, they probably won’t even admit a bitter truth like this alone since it makes their life (and the human condition as a whole), sound so immensely depressing that we should all just grab Keats’ poetry to slit our wrists over in disappointment right now.

I’m quoting Penelope Cruz’s crazy character from Vicky Cristina Barcelona when I write, “Only unrequited love can be romantic.” I think it’s true. So the romance that comes from these happy married couples is always in retrospect. I mean, as a married woman who must deal with her husband on a daily basis do you want to repeat over-and-over again in your head the above except or just shorten it to, “He was the one. I just knew.”

Right.

So when speaking with married friends, don’t get discouraged. Another great quote is that “the course of true love never did run smooth.” The deciding to get hitched process is never as simple as a married people convey. Marriages causes enormous stress, anxiety as well as a drastic lifestyle change for most people, requiring a lot larger debate than “I felt it.” The ‘real’ story behind a marriage probably involved a lot of deliberations, at least a twinge of desperation, and three or four brutal fights.

So when I talk to married people about how they met or ‘knew,’ I now always keep in mind that the magic and sparks they are describing are not something I’ll never necessarily feel about the person I marry (about the irresponsible jerk I shouldn’t marry, sure) and is rather the married person attempting to validate their life choices.