SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Today (June 2 - I swear I posted this on June 2 but it registered as June 1) is Subway Gal’s BIRTHDAY!!! WOOOOOOOOO HOO!! YES!!! Another year OLDER! Awesome. Today I’m uhhhhhhhh 25, because I decided to start aging in reverse.

Just kidding. I’m (gulp) 27. And not that 27 is all that old or anything, it’s just that I thought by this time in my life I would be married and probably pregnant. And I’m not. And that’s fine really because today is a day of celebration. It is the day that, 25-27 years ago, the ghost of Jesus Christ impregnated my mom through immaculate conception and nine months later I appeared. And it was good. Or close to it. In celebration of me and my birthday, I’ve decided to list for you the top five ways that I contribute to making the world a better place. Because you know me - I’m alllll about giving back and making the world a better place.

1. My positive, can-do attitude. Like the other day when, at 5:30 p.m., my boss asked me to draft a two-page memo to one of my clients, and I locked myself in my office and started crying.
2. My pretty, curly hair. It took 27 25 years for me to figure out which products to use and not use to make my hair look good. I’ve got it down to a science now. Once, a random woman on the street yelled at me, “you have beautiful hair!” No joke. Sure, she looked a little homeless and crazy, but a compliment is a compliment!
3. I asked Boyfriend what he thought the No. 3 item on this list should be and he said, “Ass and Titties.” So No. 3 is ass and titties.
4. I help fuel the economy. With the hundreds of dollars I waste at Victoria’s Secret and Loehmann’s each month, the retail industry should be thanking me for keeping them alive.
5. And most of all, I bring the gift of laughter to each and every one of your lives several times a week. You’re welcome.