SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Ok so I get it…you hate your dad.

He is big and mean and evil and ruining the world.

But to start..who hasn’t said that about their father at least once or twice in their lifetime?

And I get it..you cant even use your own last name to make dinner reservations…

Listen to me Madoff kids…I put dollar bills into soda machines last week and hit the ‘return’ button just so I would have enough quarters to do laundry with..

And I have to listen to your shit?

You must have had a terrible childhood..I bet sometimes when you went to bed at night your parents didnt even bother to put your warm milk into a gold plated sippy cup with your named engraved on the side. BASTARDS!

And instead of fruit punch and softball games you had kids champagne and Citibank yachts to ride on.

And now…let’s get to the real tear jerker…you are even afraid for your own children..that someone will hurt them if they find out their last name is Madoff…forget the fact they are probably at some high school party right now sucking dick and getting high off the  purest cocaine found this side of the jungle….

If we could all just sit down and pray for this family…stop thinking about those families on Extreme Home Makeover who take care of Bubble children who cant even go outside if the temperature isn’t between 60 and 61 degrees ..or those moms in Walmart right now who are debating between buying more food or  filling a prescription…

Let’s just think about you Madoff kids…whom have to go by the name “Rollywold” at your local Nobu restaurant just to eat the finest sushi in town…wait..I am going to cry..I feel a tear…a tear…a single tear…..oh wait, nope that was me almost choking on a pistachio nut..