SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

This evening, as I dashed into the subway station just as my R train pulled into the station, I was stopped in my tracks by a herd of children and a couple of adults, obviously from out of town, standing in front of the turnstiles, trying to get everyone through to the other side. And taking way too long. “Excuse me! Excuse Me! EXCUSE MEEEEE!!!!” I shouted, as I tried to make my way through the mob. Panicked and overly dramatic, I continued to shout, “MOVE!!! I need to get through!! I’m PREGNANT!!!” (but not really).

I was able to battle my way through by throwing some punches and elbows, pushing and tripping, and I finally settled into a free seat on the crowded R train. And there I waited for several minutes. On the subway. In the station, with the doors open. For several minutes. By the time we were ready to go, all of the children were on the subway in my subway car.  If you think I felt stupid for rushing and panicking and being rude and causing a scene, all for no reason since I obviously had time to spare, then think again! Because I don’t. I have no shame.

As I settled into the my seat, I noticed the man next to me was sitting with his legs open and taking up part of my seat. “Excuse me,” I snapped at him. He moved. For like a minute. Shortly after I opened my book to read, I noticed he was back over in my seat territory. I kicked him and he moved back over to his side. We went through this routine a few times until finally I just gave up and stewed silently while his goddamn leg was touching mine. And there is nothing I hate more than touching strangers on the subway. So, to get even, I rested my heavy bag on his leg. I thought, “Ha! Now you’ll suffer. The weight of my bag will soon be unbearable and you will have to move your leg.” Turns out, I was wrong. He didn’t budge.

And all the while this was going on, one of those obnoxious children who was part of the herd that got on the subway shortly after me, was holding onto the poll next to my seat, talking loudly to her friend and twirling about, knocking into me. I tried desperately to concentrate on my book, but the rage was too strong and I snapped!

I gave the guy next to me a swift kick in the shin and as he yelped out in pain, I snapped, “What the f*ck is wrong with you? There is no need for your legs to be open, taking up half my seat. Try it again and I’ll mace you, you a**hole.”

Next, I turned to the young girl who was now spinning in circles and whipping her long ponytail in my face, steadied her by the shoulders and said, “I’ve had a long day at work and I just want to be left alone to read. If you don’t leave me the hell alone, I can’t be held responsible for my actions. Now run along. I think it’s time for your ADHD medication.” The girl ran back to her mother in tears. Mission Accomplished.

Actually, I made that up. None of that really happened. I sat in my seat and although I did place my bag on my obnoxious neighbor’s leg in hope of getting him to move, he never did and I didn’t kick or yell at him. And I never said a word to the young girl with the attention deficit problem. I sat there in silent anger. Surprised? Me too. Don’t get me wrong, I wished I’d have been able to lash out at my subway offenders, but the train was crowded and for once, I wasn’t in the mood to make a scene.