SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

While having girl talk (about boys, naturally) one of my friends recently asked me what my type was. I had been pondering this myself lately, and had decided that my “type” was pretty simple: attractive and interesting, and able to make me laugh. While most girls can get pretty specific about their criteria for a datable guy (muscles vs. no muscles, hair coverage vs. baby smooth, never-nudes, ironic mustaches, captain of the dodgeball team, soccer calves, etc.) I’ve never cared much beyond that.

So take my quiz below, Cosmo-style, and find out who your ideal mate is. I promise there’s no math involved.

1) It’s Saturday! How do you prefer to spend the day?
a) Getting some sun in the park while reading your favorite back issues of Highlights for Children.
b) Watching sports and shouting at your television in a dark, dark room.
c) Double-fisting dry martinis at your favorite hoity-toity brunch spot. Oh, and maybe eating some brunch too. Does toast count as brunch?
d) Organizing your DVD collection into alphabetical order then drafting a memo to your book club members.

2) On Halloween as a child, you were most likely to dress up as:
a) Any kind of cute animal. Including a skunk, because we all know, it’s what’s inside that counts.
b) Some kind of athlete. Wearing your little league uniform was comfortable, cheap, and fast.
c) A princess in period costume, complete with jeweled tiara.
d) Your favorite character from the Nintendo franchise.

3) At 2:43pm, an eastbound train leaves Chicago traveling at 150mph. At 2:50pm, a westbound train leaves New York City traveling at 88mph. If traveling the same route, what time will they meet?
a) What the hell! You said there wasn’t going to be any math! You lying sack of shit!
b) 6:30pm. I am sure of it.

4) You feel it’s most important that your mate see eye to eye with you on which issue?
a) Breakfast cereal.
b) Yankees rule and the Mets suck. Duh.
c) Alcohol and money will solve any problem.
d) Most people are idiots.

5) Your biggest pet peeve is:
a) Intense seriousness and poor personal hygiene.
b) Men who cry like little girls.
c) Bad manners/poor people.
d) Illiteracy.

If you picked mostly A’s, your type is… funny!
You like to live and nurture the (metaphorical) child within you. You need a guy who is fun and silly but still knows how to be a man. Looks come second to personality for you, and while your man would most likely be described as “cute,” it’s most important that you can have fun and laugh together. Check out these dudes:

If you picked mostly B’s, your type is… masculine, athletic, manly man!
You’re probably into a guy with big muscles, you superficial bitch. You want a guy who burps and watches sports and probably has rocks for brains, but who cares as long as he can score a good lay-up. You will probably get engaged at some kind of sporting event, via Jumbotron. Check out these meatheads:

If you picked mostly C’s, your type is…. wealthy!

Wow, you are even worse than letter B up there, you gold-digging, alcohol fame whore. You want a man who’s got money, style, and will keep you in the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed after years of living on Daddy’s penny. Yep, the truth hurts. Here are some rich dudes for you to try and manipulate (ooh boy, I can tell it doesn’t end well for you):

If you picked mostly D’s, your type is…. nerdy!

Hey, nothing wrong with that! At least you’re not a money-grubbing slut like C up there. You clearly want a man who is evolved on an intellectual level and doesn’t care what society thinks of him and his abnormal interests. Stamp collection? Fine. Irregular potato chip collection? Even better. Similarly, you’re not too concerned with looks (social norms be damned!) and mostly want someone to stay in and play MarioKart with on a Saturday night. Check out these famous nerds throughout history:

Hopefully this obvious and convoluted quiz based entirely on stupid stereotypes and generalizations has helped you determine, on a very superficial level, what your interests are in men. And if it didn’t teach you something you didn’t already know, at the very least it proved even an idiot like me with no experience is qualified to write for Cosmo magazine. Happy hunting ladies.